I've been told I should start a blog by a few people here and there. People seem to think I have an interesting point of view. Well, the thing was, I never knew what to write about before now. I mean, I could have written about politics, film, or anything like that. But now, especially now, those things seem so damned trivial.
What this blog will be will document my journey as well as that of Marion's (my fiancee) through the darkened halls of being diagnosed with cancer.
I'm not thinking this will be an easy blog to write, but it seems important to me to write. I have always felt I communicate better through my writing, and maybe this can be of some comfort to those reading it, or maybe some help. I don't know. I just feel I need to write this.
The story begins with Marion. We've been together for almost 15 years through thick and thin. When I think of life, I see no life without her by my side. We have a great relationship built on trust and respect. I do not doubt her love for me at all.
Marion is 41 and in pretty good health. I would have never thought she had cancer. But, really, how do you know when you have cancer? There's no billboard or flashing lights...cancer just is.
She was having some issues with some abnormal bleeding in conjunction with her period. We both assumed it was menopausal because of her age. This idea changed when she bled very badly one day. I walked into the bathroom to the sounds of her screams and saw enough blood for a crime scene. The bleeding had stopped by this time, she seemed okay, but we decided to go to the ER the next day.
Everything seemed fine after the ER visit, and we were referred to a local clinic for followup care. The Dr. on staff at the ER did a brief pelvic exam and said everything looked fine. However, as we would find out, everything did not look fine.
The trouble was precious time was lost between the 8th of October when we went to the hospital, and the 22nd when she was finally seen by someone at the clinic. During that first exam, Marion was told there was something wrong...not to worry, but something (a mass) was there. Samples were taken for a biopsy, and that was that.
She was called a week later that everything was okay. Then, a day after that saying "Uh, no, the test was inconclusive. We need more tissue."
Anyway, I feel this is becoming more detail than I wanted to get into. After the second biopsy, we were told it was cancer. And, our world has changed.
Hearing that this was cancer was like someone punched me in the gut. Literally, my breath was sucked from me. I mean, how do you even comprehend that? The answer is simple. You can not process that at all. Your mind goes blank, and you become a raw nerve of emotion.
That's where we still are. We're waiting to hear from the Dr. about the staging tests to determine how far along this is. We need to know that so we can plan the next course of action. We are trying to move from feeling like hapless victims into proactive people. Marion is doing well with keeping her spirits up. I wish I could say the same. I came downstairs to get a cup of coffee and Christmas music was playing on the radio. It was "All I Want for Christmas is You". I lost it. I quickly went into the bathroom to shied her from the tears that were easily flowing down my face.
I don't honestly believe this is a death sentence. Yet, there is so much we don't know, and that's what's concerning me at this point. Marion is young, strong, and has valuable support.
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