I haven't forgotten about the blog...

The time is ticking down as far as Marion's round of treatment. She is one week away from completing the external radiation. She still has two chemotherapy treatments to go. She'll be thankful for that, I assure you. More on that in a bit. She has an operation on the 22nd to implant some device...erm...well, so she can get internal radiation done. I'm not too certain on the procedure, but I'll get prepped the day of like last time.

The chemotherapy is brutal. Marion is getting Cisplatin which causes (what I consider) severe nausea and vomiting. She handles it pretty well, and has lost only 10 or so pounds. The weight loss isn't really all that bad considering how aggressive the Doctors are in relation to the treatments. She's been experiencing a loss of appetite the past few days. We are kind of lucky because we're so close to a hospital just in case. Through all of this, Marion has been so good. I'm truly proud of her as she faces this. Earlier in the week, she said she wanted to be off the chemotherapy. I talked her off the ledge because the chemotherapy is what is stopping the spread further at this point.

In other news, Disability is asking for tests that really don't explain much. They asked for the PET Scan which really doesn't say anything at all. Sure, it says that there was an increased metabolic activity in the known cervical mass. However, it doesn't state that the mass was cancer, nor did it stage the cancer. I faxed over the reports she had done from the procedures on Jan. 18th. That was the procedure that actually staged the cancer and explains why it was staged in that way. Hopefully, with this new information, her claim will be approved. Who knows with the mounds of bullshit you have to tread through. Not to mention that trying to reach the caseworker is harder than attempting to communicate with a jellyfish. Ugh!

My Unemployment hit a snag on my birthday of all days. I was attempting to claim for the week and it said I had to call in rather than use the net to re-certify the claim. I did so and was informed that since I worked in PA, my NJ claim was over and I would have to open a claim in PA. Oh, and they had to backdate all this to August. This effects the WBR. Anyway, to make a long story short...and cutting out details such as making 10 calls over the past two days to two states, being lied to, being hung up on...finally after over two weeks of bullshit, NJ sent over my wage information (which should be attached to my Social Security #) but, anyway, NJ sent over my wages and they can now make a financial determination.

Keep in mind that I haven't received any type of benefit payment since the end of February. I had to ask for money to just pay my electric this month. While my bills are current, I'm still not sure when I'm going to receive anything. They still have to do an eligibility determination because I was terminated from Colonial Penn. Granted, I have a pending case with the EEOC over some charges. Granted, NJ already determined I was eligible. But, what am I supposed to tell my landlord? What I am supposed to do when I'm facing cable, electric, phone, etc. coming due all at the same time? The people in PA say this happens all the time...but, does that make it any better? It's crazy when you think about it.

I'll survive. Marion and I always have. I just wish once we'd have a stroke or two of good luck. Sometimes, the hardest thing in this world is to live in it.

Another week just like the past...

I sit here about six or so hours away from Marion embarking on her first treatments. My head kind of spins when I think about how time, fate, and a propensity for seemingly bad luck has drawn us to this point.

This all started over an abnormal period. That's all it was. Marion was bleeding much too long for it to be called a "normal" period. When she started passing golf ball sized clots, that's when we figured we should figure out what was going on. I remember that trip to the ER with her very vividly. We were asked numerous times why we hadn't come earlier (she had been bleeding "abnormally" for about a month). We answered modestly and honestly that we didn't have insurance coverage and were worried about how to pay the hospital bill.

That kind of irritates me because living in the USA we shouldn't have to worry about that. But, ever since Nixon announced HMOs all those years ago, health care increasingly became more about profits, who can afford it...who can live and, frankly, who can die.

I noticed earlier this week that Republicans are stepping up their war against the poor/middle class by trying to cut funding to Planned Parenthood. This is after they have tried to redefine rape and all various different types of things that make my head spin. Here's a link to look at in your spare time if you're so inclined.


I think back to when Marion was initially diagnosed and I remember hearing the news and after the sadness, shock, and terror faded away, I was left thinking, "How in the hell are we going to pay for this?" I had no idea where to look or what sources were available. It's kind of funny to think Marion makes too much for Medicaid, but she did by about 2 or 3 thousand dollars annually. I remember frantically looking at website after website looking for some way to fund her treatments...hell, at that point just to fund further diagnostics so we could just stage the cancer.

I got lucky and found the Breast and Cervical Cancer Act of 2000. It funds the NJCEED program here in NJ, and as a result I found a way to get Marion the Medicaid coverage she needed.

But, I think back to that first diagnosis...that doctor we never saw before in his neatly pressed lab jacket saying she had cancer. He gave us a phone number to call and that was it. Later that night, at home, I went on a cancer support website and asked a few people if the hospital helps out in finding funding or if you have to come up with a way to do it. I was told in no uncertain terms...you're on your own.

We weren't on our own once we found NJCEED as they have done everything and more. I couldn't be happier that there is a governmental body our there actually helping people get into treatment. Without the NJCEED program...I really don't know where we'd be.

So, it's been four months since this whole thing started. An routine ER trip to be told not to worry...Marion's going through menopause...and here's some hormones to help out. Initially, honestly, that's all I thought this was. The "change of life". I had no idea just how much this would in fact change.

As I sit on the cusp of these treatments, I don't know how I feel. Marion has gotten a bit worse, I guess. She was nauseous today. She's been feeling kind of run down lately. I still think that had a lot to do with the pelvic exam last Monday...but, I don't have a MD, remember? I don't know if I should be hopeful...because I know these treatments are going to be pretty extreme. 5 days a week of radiation with a chemotherapy double shot on Mondays...I don't know how she'll be feeling. I don't know if this will work at all. I honestly am numb. I don't know how to feel. Is she dying right now as I type this? I don't know.

It's hard for me to express these thoughts into vocalizations. I am hopeful the treatments will have resounding results. It's just that uncertainty that messes with me. All I can do is hope for the best no matter how cliche that sounds.

I'll close with a wish I made for my birthday. I created an online event to donate money to Stand Up 2 Cancer. I'm hoping for the modest goal of $500. Earlier this evening, someone donated $100. I don't know who it was because they donated anonymously, but wow. If you're reading this and would like to donate to a good cause, click the link.

Here's some information on what SU2C does.