Wedding Ring

I bought my wedding ring today.

There's no one I would rather marry (obviously). On Monday, we'll go to City Hall to fill out our application for our marriage license
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The 1st Week

It's been about a week since Marion was diagnosed with cervical cancer. It's been a frustrating mix of rejections and dead ends. Both of us are uninsured, and finding coverage for this costly disease is heartbreaking...utterly heartbreaking. There's so many levels of red tape and governmental bureaucracy that it would make your head spin.

While I'm not one to go into a political debate about why public health reform is a good or a bad thing, I will say that having some type of option would be a wonderful gift. It would be a gift of both hope and life. But, all that said, I believe we have found an option for us to get the coverage that she so desperately needs.

President Bill Clinton signed into law the National Breast and Cervical Cancer Early Detection Act of 2000 which gives Medicaid benefits to women who are under the age of 65 and who are uninsured or underinsured. This program will screen eligible women and treat them if they are found to have cancer (either breast or cervical cancer). The HUGE and very important issue is that you MUST get screened at one of the state approved facilities for you to get the coverage you need. What this amounts to is a Catch-22 if you happen to get diagnosed elsewhere.

In New Jersey, there is specifically a program called the Cancer Education and Early Detection Program (or CEED). Again, you must adhere to going through a state approved facility to get the treatment you need. There are several sites scattered throughout the state which makes things easier for people.

Besides finding out more than I ever wanted to know about cervical cancer and how to finance the treatments, this week has been very trying to say the least. I never thought that I would have to be going through this at this time in my life. I'm 34 and Marion is just 41. To be told that your loved one...your right hand, your partner, the reason why you try...has cancer...it's like the world and plans and dreams you made have been sucked away from you in a heartbeat.

Before we knew for sure, I was kind of prepping myself for the bad news. Doing research on her condition before we knew for sure what it was, I had an idea that there was a 70% chance it was cancer. There was that 30% in me that hoped for the best, but I guess last Saturday I started to accept the fact that it was most likely a worse case scenario. However, sitting in that cold, sterile, overtly white exam room...I was still shocked when I heard it. I was probably in shock for the next day. It's hard to even write this now, but it was hard to say, "I love you" to Marion because of the pain it caused me. It took me until later on that night until I could even squeak it out in a sob.

I can only imagine how Marion feels. We talk, and I'm trying my best to be supportive as well. But, I don't want to change things. I don't want her to feel like she isn't able to do things she used to. She's still healthy...despite some nagging pains now and again. Let me clarify what I mean...I don't want to assume doing more than before. In all honesty, I'm pretty lazy and she does a lot. I don't want to start doing more because it would appear that I think she's not able to do what she used to do. I'm not sure if that makes sense, but I want to keep a balance of normalcy when things are far from normal.

As far as God or the topic of spirituality may go. I'm angry with God for this and so many other things. I'm not sure if I can accept the theory that God only gives us which we can handle. My plate has been filled again and again. I have lost friends suddenly. I lost my Mom a little over a year ago. I'm not sure if I can accept this as His way. Of course, so many people will say, "It's not God that did this!" But, God is in charge of all things. I've been told (and read) that He knows how many hairs are on your head. Then why do these things happen? Why do people suffer? How is that God's plan? How can a God that loves you put you through so much pain? Like much about Christianity, it makes little sense to me. To take a person, like Marion, who has already endured so much, and add to her suffering makes me angry with God. Why? Because a God that encourages suffering as a trial or a test doesn't seem like a God filled with love for His creations.

I feel I've written a fair amount, and if you made it this far, I thank you for reading this. If I helped someone with information...well, good. Knowledge is power for sure.

The diagnosis is cancer...

I've been told I should start a blog by a few people here and there. People seem to think I have an interesting point of view. Well, the thing was, I never knew what to write about before now. I mean, I could have written about politics, film, or anything like that. But now, especially now, those things seem so damned trivial.

What this blog will be will document my journey as well as that of Marion's (my fiancee) through the darkened halls of being diagnosed with cancer.

I'm not thinking this will be an easy blog to write, but it seems important to me to write. I have always felt I communicate better through my writing, and maybe this can be of some comfort to those reading it, or maybe some help. I don't know. I just feel I need to write this.

The story begins with Marion. We've been together for almost 15 years through thick and thin. When I think of life, I see no life without her by my side. We have a great relationship built on trust and respect. I do not doubt her love for me at all.

Marion is 41 and in pretty good health. I would have never thought she had cancer. But, really, how do you know when you have cancer? There's no billboard or flashing lights...cancer just is.

She was having some issues with some abnormal bleeding in conjunction with her period. We both assumed it was menopausal because of her age. This idea changed when she bled very badly one day. I walked into the bathroom to the sounds of her screams and saw enough blood for a crime scene. The bleeding had stopped by this time, she seemed okay, but we decided to go to the ER the next day.

Everything seemed fine after the ER visit, and we were referred to a local clinic for followup care. The Dr. on staff at the ER did a brief pelvic exam and said everything looked fine. However, as we would find out, everything did not look fine.

The trouble was precious time was lost between the 8th of October when we went to the hospital, and the 22nd when she was finally seen by someone at the clinic. During that first exam, Marion was told there was something wrong...not to worry, but something (a mass) was there. Samples were taken for a biopsy, and that was that.

She was called a week later that everything was okay. Then, a day after that saying "Uh, no, the test was inconclusive. We need more tissue."

Anyway, I feel this is becoming more detail than I wanted to get into. After the second biopsy, we were told it was cancer. And, our world has changed.

Hearing that this was cancer was like someone punched me in the gut. Literally, my breath was sucked from me. I mean, how do you even comprehend that? The answer is simple. You can not process that at all. Your mind goes blank, and you become a raw nerve of emotion.

That's where we still are. We're waiting to hear from the Dr. about the staging tests to determine how far along this is. We need to know that so we can plan the next course of action. We are trying to move from feeling like hapless victims into proactive people. Marion is doing well with keeping her spirits up. I wish I could say the same. I came downstairs to get a cup of coffee and Christmas music was playing on the radio. It was "All I Want for Christmas is You". I lost it. I quickly went into the bathroom to shied her from the tears that were easily flowing down my face.

I don't honestly believe this is a death sentence. Yet, there is so much we don't know, and that's what's concerning me at this point. Marion is young, strong, and has valuable support.