Harvest Moon

When Marion I and I went to Wildwood this past summer to see Drop Dead Sexy play at Flip Flopz, we left during the 3rd set to enjoy a nice stroll along the beach. The Irish bar across the way had a guy strumming and singing his acoustic guitar singing Neil Young's "Harvest Moon". I looked at her and silently said to myself, this is my song to you. She commented she liked it as we walked toward the beach. Even better.

The part of the song that gets me right now is the part, "I wanna see you dance again". Marion loves to dance (as anyone at the Pennant East can attest). Overall, this is a great song...it really is poetry.

Melodramatic much?

I'm thinking my last post was a bit on the melodramatic side. Granted, that was after 6 or 7 hours sitting (impatiently) in an ER, but still...I came off a bit melodramatic in a way. That's not to say that isn't how I felt at the time, but that my emotions were full tilt.

I am an emotional guy. I hide it pretty well, but I cried the 1st time I watch Titanic. When Rose tried calling out to Jack and he sunk to the bottom of the Atlantic, I cried like a baby right in the theater. Maybe I shouldn't admit that, but it's a good example that sometimes the slightest thing can set me off.

As far as Marion's condition goes, I think she should be okay for the next week. I've been hovering around her since her release and I'm thinking I'll drive her crazy if I ask her if she's okay one more time. She's doing really well considering just how much blood she must have lost during yesterday's ordeal. I don't know how she does it, but she is doing so well. I'm thinking her body just wants a much needed rest, and her body is pretty much telling her to cool it.

I wrote previously that I didn't want her to stop doing what she was doing before. I didn't want her to feel defeated by this thing, this cancer. But, the harsh realization is that she does have to stop pushing herself so damned hard. She's a tough bird, and mentally she's real tough, but she's as stubborn as a two dollar steak. I have to completely takeover doing the cooking (which I honestly don't mind), cleaning (which I DO mind), and everything else.

Another story I want to relay is that the other day she asked me to up her life insurance policy. That killed me. I looked at her and told her not to start thinking that way...ever. Get those defeatist thoughts out of your mind...that things aren't that bad as of yet. And, then yesterday happens. I don't know, but it's just hard. It's so hard to even think that she's sick with this disease. I honestly believe that she can beat this, but we need to know what she's up against. As of right now, without even the staging of the cancer, it makes it hard to say things like, "You'll be okay". Will she? I've looked into the 5 year survival rates of Stage II and III cervical cancers...it's a significant difference in prognosis.

As far as why she's been bleeding the way she has, apparently the tumor in the cervix is corroding the wall of the vagina (another reason why I believe it's stage III). She needs treatment...and my hope is the 17th comes very quickly. Hours seems like days, and days seem like weeks.

I'll leave you with a song that describes how I feel about Marion - Billy Joel's "You're My Home".

Scared

Marion was admitted to the hospital last night and is in need of a blood transfusion. She was bleeding heavily and seemingly lost a lot of blood. I've never seen her like that, and I'm scared...not only of the now, but what's to come. She lost consciousness for maybe 10 seconds before I could bring her around again.

I have never felt so helpless or alone.

Church, a ride with a pastor, and various nonsense.

Most times I like to think publicly I put on a good front. Maybe I shouldn't, but the Wawa checkout girl really doesn't want to know what crap you're going through. Neither does the waitress or most anyone else out there. Truthfully, I don't want to know what crap they're going through anyway, so it all works out in this neat, little apathetic package.

I went to church today, and I'm not sure why. Going there was just a bad idea. Marion wanted to go, so I think I was there in mind, but not "spirit". This isn't a knock against the church in question as I feel that they are helpful in their own way. I just don't like the new worship songs, or the woman who is seemingly the centerpiece of the worship team. She seems like a pretty songbird that is trying desperately to get attention...as Shakespeare said, "filled with sound and fury, signifying nothing."

It also bugs me that they make you stand for 30 minutes while a seemingly endless parade of repetitious lyrics go blindingly by at the speed of light. Maybe I'm just nitpicking.

But, again, I feel they do a good job with the outreach part of the church. And, I think most of the people I met do care. But, overall, for me, it was a shallow display.

I just can not get out of the thinking that here I am "worshiping" a God that has allowed these bad things to happen. I'm not specifically zeroing in on just my personal issues at this point. God allows evil and suffering to happen all the time. This evil in the world, along with the suffering makes it hard for me to reconcile worshiping Him.

The truth of the matter is I'm going through a tough patch, and will be until I know for sure how Marion will be treated, and what exactly the prognosis is. Until then, there is so much uncertainty, and so many variables involved, that I can't be happy. I'm just existing at this point. I put on my mask and play the role of a human being.

After church, my Dad drove us home, and we went with the Pastor of the church. They had a funeral to get to, and it was on the way. The Pastor and Marion spoke about her condition. He seemed to have good advise, but there was a general feeling that annoyed me about the basis of his beliefs. Basically, and without going into too much detail, he said there are Biblical reasons why people get sick. I tend to think people get sick because bad cells start replicating and imprint a bad code destroying the good cells. Or, people catch a virus. To think (again) that God allows sickness and suffering as a test or trial or a way to allow you to take stock on your life just makes no feasible sense to me.

As you can see, I'm struggling with these ideas and more. My blog thus far has been dominated with these ideas. I just don't know.

Anyway, tomorrow, I have some calls to make so we can get out marriage license and arrange a very inexpensive wedding. To me, getting married was never about the pomp and circumstance that most couples go through. It should be the exchange and vows of love between two people, not between a disinterested crowd of a hundred or so people that will later complain that their roast beef was too cold. I'm going to marry this woman that has given me so much...and, I'm going to do it as soon as I can.