Most times I like to think publicly I put on a good front. Maybe I shouldn't, but the Wawa checkout girl really doesn't want to know what crap you're going through. Neither does the waitress or most anyone else out there. Truthfully, I don't want to know what crap they're going through anyway, so it all works out in this neat, little apathetic package.
I went to church today, and I'm not sure why. Going there was just a bad idea. Marion wanted to go, so I think I was there in mind, but not "spirit". This isn't a knock against the church in question as I feel that they are helpful in their own way. I just don't like the new worship songs, or the woman who is seemingly the centerpiece of the worship team. She seems like a pretty songbird that is trying desperately to get attention...as Shakespeare said, "filled with sound and fury, signifying nothing."
It also bugs me that they make you stand for 30 minutes while a seemingly endless parade of repetitious lyrics go blindingly by at the speed of light. Maybe I'm just nitpicking.
But, again, I feel they do a good job with the outreach part of the church. And, I think most of the people I met do care. But, overall, for me, it was a shallow display.
I just can not get out of the thinking that here I am "worshiping" a God that has allowed these bad things to happen. I'm not specifically zeroing in on just my personal issues at this point. God allows evil and suffering to happen all the time. This evil in the world, along with the suffering makes it hard for me to reconcile worshiping Him.
The truth of the matter is I'm going through a tough patch, and will be until I know for sure how Marion will be treated, and what exactly the prognosis is. Until then, there is so much uncertainty, and so many variables involved, that I can't be happy. I'm just existing at this point. I put on my mask and play the role of a human being.
After church, my Dad drove us home, and we went with the Pastor of the church. They had a funeral to get to, and it was on the way. The Pastor and Marion spoke about her condition. He seemed to have good advise, but there was a general feeling that annoyed me about the basis of his beliefs. Basically, and without going into too much detail, he said there are Biblical reasons why people get sick. I tend to think people get sick because bad cells start replicating and imprint a bad code destroying the good cells. Or, people catch a virus. To think (again) that God allows sickness and suffering as a test or trial or a way to allow you to take stock on your life just makes no feasible sense to me.
As you can see, I'm struggling with these ideas and more. My blog thus far has been dominated with these ideas. I just don't know.
Anyway, tomorrow, I have some calls to make so we can get out marriage license and arrange a very inexpensive wedding. To me, getting married was never about the pomp and circumstance that most couples go through. It should be the exchange and vows of love between two people, not between a disinterested crowd of a hundred or so people that will later complain that their roast beef was too cold. I'm going to marry this woman that has given me so much...and, I'm going to do it as soon as I can.
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