Remembrances

Cancer is a word I detest. It's a simple two syllable word that destroys families and ruins a quality of life. Cancer has affected me so deeply in the past few years. I hate this disease...this horrible and nearly indescribable feeling of hopelessness that goes into even thinking about the word.

It's been two years since cancer has taken its first person from me. On October 18th, 2009, my Mom passed away after a brief battle with cancer. By time the cancer was diagnosed, it was Stage 4 that had metastasized to her liver. It's in hindsight and my own personal research that I know more about cancer now. But, two years ago, before cancer had touched me with its steely, cold fingers, I didn't know much of anything about what cancer was and just how horrible it really is.

It's still weird to me that cells mutating can cause that much issues within a body that overall is doing well. It's just such a strange thing to me.

Anyway, the way I thought things went before was you were diagnosed, and you got treatments. I didn't know what stages were or what metastasized meant. Now, I know all too well. And, quite frankly, it's hell. Whether you're stage 4 or stage 2 or whatever. Seeing a love one going through the treatments, or worse, the effects of cancer tears you apart. There is no other way to describe the psychological toll that cancer wrecks upon your very soul.

About a year after my Mom had passed away, Marion, my fiancee, was diagnosed with Stage IIIB Cervical Cancer. I can not even tell you how we both felt the day a complete stranger (not even Marion's regular Doctor) came in his white lab coat and laid probably the worst news I'll ever hear in my life. Still suffering from the wounds of my Mom's passing from cancer, and then to have this thrown at us...it just ripped out my soul.

I am happy to say that Marion has done very well in her treatments. The cancer is seemingly in remission (although Doctors haven't exactly said so). Her pap smears are fine. The tumor has pretty much gone away. That's remarkable because it was the size of a softball from what I was told. Damage to healthy tissues is limited. Overall, she's done so well. And, she was a champ the entire time. Sure, there were bad days...but, the good far outweighed the bad.

While we were getting this bit of good news, my cousin Ron was sadly losing his battle to cancer. I've written a great deal about him on this blog, but allow me to say, it just shows that cancer is a terrible, terrible thing. I hate seeing anyone suffer, and I'm happy he is in a better place now. He fought a valiant fight.

So, I hate cancer. I hate it with as much as I can. It's not fair to anyone.

I hope for the best.

I dedicate the song below to those who are fighting against cancer, and sadly, to those who have lost. I love you, Mom.

Saying Goodbye

It's not an earth shattering or even particularly original statement when I say, "I hate funerals". I do. I hate saying goodbye in even everyday mundane instances. The finality of the statement troubles me. I'd rather say "I love you" or "Talk to you later" or something to that effect. There's just a certain amount of finality to the words "goodbye" that on some weird level effects me and I'd rather not say it at all.

Yet, on Saturday afternoon, I said goodbye to my cousin Ron Dixon. There's still a part of me that feels he never knew just how much he meant to me. As a youth, he was my Youth Pastor and friend. Later on, as time usually does, we were still close, but not like I was while growing up. We shared a few memories as time went on. When my Mom passed away, there was absolutely no one I wanted more to be a part of the service than Ron. He graciously accepted and delivered the part of the service I remember most vividly. In the weeks that followed, I saw him a few more times...including seeing him preach an inspired sermon at the In His Presence church in Millville. I usually don't remember the words of sermons, but I still remember the wise words of bringing thanksgiving into thanksliving. Using Psalm 100 as his guideline, he taught a poignant message. Later on, Ron and I shared in what would be our last Millville football game...Thanksgiving 2009. Millville won in a memorable come from behind victory. It's a moment I'll cherish and I thank him for allowing me that time.

It seems another chapter of my childhood has slipped away with the sands of time. I've lost close friends (Hambone & Jason), a parent, and so many other family members. But, as one of the speakers from Ron's service, Pastor Ed Hampton said, "Life is made up of memories". I couldn't agree more. We don't remember the days, we remember the moments. We remember the late night chats over a cup of properly steeped tea. We remember the late night video game marathons. We remember the application of a Band Aid to a fresh scrape. We remember the tears of sadness and the elation of joy. But, when we must say goodbye, in all its finality, we must honor those that have passed too soon...the Mom, the cousin, the friends...by remembering the moments that were special. As my cousin Mike said, by remembering "the legend behind the stories" we have.

In closing, it was an absolute honor to be one of Ron's pallbearers. His wife Denise told me that it was Ron's personal wish for me to be one. I'm thankful for that. I'm thankful for being one of the few that carried Ron to his final resting place...

With tears in my eyes, I'd rather not say goodbye to Ron. I'm just going to say, "I love you" and remember all the times we shared, and all the memories that were created. I miss him profoundly.

For Ron

I sit here and honestly have tried to find the words to write about such a large and looming figure in my life. The importance of Ron Dixon, my cousin, my friend, my Pastor, just seems to come out in cliches. But, the reality is Ron Dixon made a HUGE impact to anyone who was lucky enough to be a part of it. From the age of around 12 or so to 17 or 18, Ron was a secondary father for me.

I was blessed, truly blessed, to have what I feel is the greatest father God could have given me. Likewise, I am also truly blessed to have been a part of Ron's life. I was blessed to share holidays, birthdays, and just about every other day between. There are so many memories I have of Ron, Mike, Ruthie, and the family that I can't even think of a time when Ron wasn't in some way connected with some important thing in my life when I was younger.

Ron's impact in my life was great. I highly doubt without Ron two things I greatly love would have even garnered a second glance from me. The first was a love of the Beatles. I've recounted on this blog previously how Ron would prepare his Sunday message the previous Saturday while listening to the Beatles. For some time, I just didn't "get" the Beatles. But, it was one Saturday night after Mike had already turned in that I sat in his kitchen. He made us some tea and the album "Let It Be" was on. It was the song, "I've Got A Feeling" that made me "get" it. In a sort of teenage epiphany, I turned to him and said something along the lines of, "Are you sure this is the Beatles?" His reply was, "Yeah, I'm pretty sure." I still rank "Let it Be" as perhaps my favorite Beatles album because it brings up in my mind such a vivid memory of the beginning of a lifelong love of music. And, I thank Ron for that.

Another love Ron passed onto me was baseball. For most of my life, I couldn't have cared about the Phillies, the Willie's, or what have you. But, when you become close with people such as Ron and Mike, that passion for the game is going to rub off on you. For me, it wasn't the act of playing the game (as my athletic skills were always somewhat lacking), it was more in the purity of the statistics. It was more in being in love with the numbers behind the game. I really went headlong into studying the game...I knew the lineup of the '69 Mets, Mickey's career numbers, Dennis Cook's penchant for sliding into first (which rubbed off into my own playing). So, I thank Ron for that as well.

But, most of all, I thank Ron for being a part of my life. While years have passed and sadly we grew apart because of distance, schedules, and just life in general...I always knew we had shared memories. We had shared a common bond. I know in some ways he will live on through me and those he had touched throughout his time.

Marion and I were talking about his long battle with cancer, and she just turned to me and said, "He's really an inspiration." I can't think of a better compliment to pay him. In so many ways Ron Dixon was a true inspiration. And, while he may have left us all to soon, I know he'll live on with every Beatles song I hear...with every RBI Chase Utley knocks in...with every inspiring sermon that is told. I love Ron. I miss him. May he finally have the rest he so richly deserves.

"if you have to go, don't say goodbye
if you have to go, don't you cry
if you have to go, I will get by
someday I'll follow you and see you on the other side"

For Martha, The Smashing Pumpkins

Time in a Bottle

When I started up this blog, I wasn't certain of the outcome. I honestly didn't know the stage of the cancer. I didn't know the prognosis. I really didn't understand why some cells not dying off and mutating was such a life threatening thing. I think most people realize how bad it is to be diagnosed with cancer, but understanding it and living with it are the things that people don't grasp (myself included).

I'm very happy with how things have gone. Marion was first diagnosed about 6 months ago right around Thanksgiving. In those six months, she was given a very, very aggressive mix of chemo and radiation therapy (both internal and external). While there were some pretty rough days for her (strangely more so after the treatments ended), she responded remarkably well. The tumor itself has shrunk to where the doctors can not see it with the naked eye. For the time being, we're in the clear.

She'll have regular checkups with the doctors in the coming months. I know it's a three month, then hopefully six month affair. I'm proud of her and the way she has handled the fight. She's truly an inspiration.

Speaking of inspirations, my cousin Ron is on my mind. I saw him on Monday, and I just don't have the right words to express my sadness. I'll try because this is a blog, and while I try to think of the right way to express myself, blank pages just don't work on blogs.

Ron was part of my youth, and a huge influence on me growing up. I've said before that I love him, but it's more than that I think. Ron is part of me from humor to music taste to Millville football games...I've already spoken of my fond memories of listening to the Beatles with Ron on Saturday nights/Sunday mornings. But, there's one other story I want to relay.

Thanksgiving 2009 Ron and I attended the Millville/Vineland football game at Wheaton Field (or whatever it's called now). It was an overcast, cold, somewhat miserable day. I vividly recall when I asked him to go...he had just preached at the old Broad Street Methodist church (the new name now escapes me). I talked my Dad into going. Despite the loud music section of the service (which included screeching and such), I enjoyed the service and especially Ron's message of making Thanksgiving Thanks-Living. It was based on Psalm 100...maybe? I looked it up, and it was. Anyway, after the service, the church had a dinner with the best collard greens I've ever had the pleasure to taste. Those collard greens...wait, where was I? That's right. After the service, I asked Ron if we could go to the game.

The game was won by Millville in spectacular fashion that year. It was a come from behind victory and I think there was some type of special team play that made it really exciting. I can't be sure. What I remember most was sitting there with Ron and talking Millville football, some limited NFL (as I haven't watched an Eagles or NFL game since 2005), and some MLB. I'd like to save that moment as if it were sand in a bottle. Kind of like holding onto it just to remember the good time of fellowship with someone I really enjoy being in the company of.

Ron's a special person to me...like a second father almost. I'm thinking I'll be going to the hospital to see him again today. I found the bus route that goes right to Virtua. I doubt I can do much, but at least I can be there. Sometimes, that's all we can do, I suppose.

Finally, some good news!

Marion got a call today while I was out from the Cooper Cancer Institute. Since an abnormality was found on the pap smear (which we knew there would be an abnormality), she is covered for further diagnostic testing. Granted, we already know she has cervical cancer, and we already have had diagnostic tests done. You may wonder why we're going through all this again.

It's kind of a two fold answer. One, I felt that the clinic she was going to for her original issue was very incompetent. They were overcrowded, always in a hurry, and more concerned with getting people in and out. While I realize that the biopsy that was done was done correctly, I still feel the need for a second diagnosis. That also constitutes the second reason we're doing this. Being uninsured leaves little to no options. People with insurance don't understand that because they have insurance and can't comprehend all the red flags and tape the uninsured have to go through. This path we're on now is part of the NJ CEED program. The treatments will begin once it's been diagnosed again. That should be soon, so very soon.

So, this is a post of hope. I also saw Ron, my cousin, today. While he is still very weak, he remains in good spirits and very hopeful of his prognosis. I am hopeful too, and I hope that he continues to regain strength. He's an important guy to me, and a lot of other people.

Helpful Links:
NJ CEED Program Info

And since Howard posted his favorite Christmas carol, here's mine:

My cousin Ron and The Beatles

As I finished up my previous blog about Comcast, I started playing some Beatles here on my computer. Why do I feel the need to play the Beatles on a Sunday. I think it goes back to my youth and when I would spend a Saturday night at my cousin's house. My cousin Ron was a pastor, and he would prepare his final notes on a Saturday if he was preaching the following Sunday. But, those Sunday mornings were always the best. He would play a selected Beatles LP (the real vinyl) as he got ready for church. When I was younger, I wouldn't care too much for it. By the time I was 15 or so, I came to appreciate The Beatles more and more. I can pinpoint it to Let it Be and the song "Two of Us" (which always reminded me of Mike and I). Mike is his son, and from the time I was 13 to about 17 or so, we were always together. We were close before then, but for those four years or so we did everything together.

This included frequent sleepovers at his house and the warmly remembered times of listening to the Beatles. I'm reminded of the Monopoly games with my cousin Ruthie when Mike was busy with his (at the time) girlfriend Kate. Ruthie and I became closer for a time because Mike was driving, going on dates, and the like. I'd still come over...kind of pathetically, and hang out with the rest of the family. Ron and I became closer due to a love of Millville football and the TV show "Picket Fences" which became a Friday Night tradition at Ron's house until I started hanging out in diners with books of bad poetry and tepid coffee.

Ron taught me how to properly steep tea, and how to work a comedic moment or two. If anything can be said about Ron, it's that he has a great comedic timing, and he always found a way to make me laugh. I've never said to him that I love him, but I do. He gave me a love for The Beatles, for tea, and for the importance of laughing. He was also my Youth Pastor for a while, and some of the retreats we went on were some of my fondest moments of my youth. I always wished I was a better athlete because he was always so good. I was terrible in sports, making the Freshman Baseball team on heart alone.

Though the years have passed, whenever I see Ron, I remember those times of my youth. When my Mom passed away, I could think of no one that I would rather have be a part of the service. When I wanted a grand marriage ceremony (before all this mess that Marion's been going through), there was no one besides Ron that I even considered to marry us.

So, I love Ron. He's going through a rough patch right now with his cancer, and I hope for the best. I hope he gets through this because I know how much he means to people. I know some wounds need to be healed, and I'm not going into that here, but I hope everything works out. They say time heals all wounds, and I know personally with my brother Dan, that seems to be the case with my Dad. Time has a way of doing that.