I sit here about six or so hours away from Marion embarking on her first treatments. My head kind of spins when I think about how time, fate, and a propensity for seemingly bad luck has drawn us to this point.
This all started over an abnormal period. That's all it was. Marion was bleeding much too long for it to be called a "normal" period. When she started passing golf ball sized clots, that's when we figured we should figure out what was going on. I remember that trip to the ER with her very vividly. We were asked numerous times why we hadn't come earlier (she had been bleeding "abnormally" for about a month). We answered modestly and honestly that we didn't have insurance coverage and were worried about how to pay the hospital bill.
That kind of irritates me because living in the USA we shouldn't have to worry about that. But, ever since Nixon announced HMOs all those years ago, health care increasingly became more about profits, who can afford it...who can live and, frankly, who can die.
I noticed earlier this week that Republicans are stepping up their war against the poor/middle class by trying to cut funding to Planned Parenthood. This is after they have tried to redefine rape and all various different types of things that make my head spin. Here's a link to look at in your spare time if you're so inclined.
I think back to when Marion was initially diagnosed and I remember hearing the news and after the sadness, shock, and terror faded away, I was left thinking, "How in the hell are we going to pay for this?" I had no idea where to look or what sources were available. It's kind of funny to think Marion makes too much for Medicaid, but she did by about 2 or 3 thousand dollars annually. I remember frantically looking at website after website looking for some way to fund her treatments...hell, at that point just to fund further diagnostics so we could just stage the cancer.
I got lucky and found the Breast and Cervical Cancer Act of 2000. It funds the NJCEED program here in NJ, and as a result I found a way to get Marion the Medicaid coverage she needed.
But, I think back to that first diagnosis...that doctor we never saw before in his neatly pressed lab jacket saying she had cancer. He gave us a phone number to call and that was it. Later that night, at home, I went on a cancer support website and asked a few people if the hospital helps out in finding funding or if you have to come up with a way to do it. I was told in no uncertain terms...you're on your own.
We weren't on our own once we found NJCEED as they have done everything and more. I couldn't be happier that there is a governmental body our there actually helping people get into treatment. Without the NJCEED program...I really don't know where we'd be.
So, it's been four months since this whole thing started. An routine ER trip to be told not to worry...Marion's going through menopause...and here's some hormones to help out. Initially, honestly, that's all I thought this was. The "change of life". I had no idea just how much this would in fact change.
As I sit on the cusp of these treatments, I don't know how I feel. Marion has gotten a bit worse, I guess. She was nauseous today. She's been feeling kind of run down lately. I still think that had a lot to do with the pelvic exam last Monday...but, I don't have a MD, remember? I don't know if I should be hopeful...because I know these treatments are going to be pretty extreme. 5 days a week of radiation with a chemotherapy double shot on Mondays...I don't know how she'll be feeling. I don't know if this will work at all. I honestly am numb. I don't know how to feel. Is she dying right now as I type this? I don't know.
It's hard for me to express these thoughts into vocalizations. I am hopeful the treatments will have resounding results. It's just that uncertainty that messes with me. All I can do is hope for the best no matter how cliche that sounds.
I'll close with a wish I made for my birthday. I created an online event to donate money to Stand Up 2 Cancer. I'm hoping for the modest goal of $500. Earlier this evening, someone donated $100. I don't know who it was because they donated anonymously, but wow. If you're reading this and would like to donate to a good cause, click the link.
Here's some information on what SU2C does.
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