Another post to a long forgotten blog

Well, here's an update for a blog that has sorely been lacking as of late. I've said it before that if there weren't many updates, then it's probably a good thing. On the flip side, a lack of updates seems to concern folks as well.

Marion has completed her internal and external radiation therapy along with her chemotherapy. She has reacted considerably well from all the treatments. She still gets sick now and then (usually after having greasy foods), but all in all, she is doing tremendous. For that, I am thankful for all the prayers, vibes, and well wishes that were sent her way during this time.

I honestly had no idea when all this started if she was first diagnosed how anything would play out. When you hear that life changing diagnosis, how can you be prepared for anything that will follow. I can remember for the 1st week or so just being totally numb from it all. As time has passed, the sting is still there, but considering just how well she has done, I think she'll come out of this pretty well.

Which, frankly, has me a bit amazed. I don't want to sound ungrateful or anything like that, but I was expecting so much worse. She was diagnosed with Stage III B cancer. The fact that the tumor has shrunk to the point where with the naked eye a doctor can't see it now (when it was quite sizable and took over most of the cervix all the way to the pelvic wall), it is just an amazing and miraculous event.

She has a followup with her radiation oncologist sometime this month. From there we'll know just how well (or not) she has done. My hope is we'll hear him say, "Come back in three months." If that's the case, it means that things are going extremely well for her. Conversely, if we hear, "We need to start up treatments again", well, things are a bit bleak. Bleak, but not hopeless, I should say. She's a fighter. And, I know she will do just fine.

Another thing I would be remiss in not mentioning is my long time friend, Andy, and his wife, Shanin, recently (last Saturday) welcomed to the world their daughter, Aubrey. Seeing the pictures and reading his updates have made me so happy for all of them. Aubrey is a precious little angel and brings such happiness to Andy and Shanin. It's not my place to discuss the struggles and hardships they went through, but it's been a long hard road for them. For them to be blessed with a child is another miracle (whether that miracle is science or God is not my place to discuss). I'm just so happy for them all. Aubrey, I feel, will be quite a spoiled child. Marion and I even have a few gifts for her. Frankly, I can not wait to meet her.

So, in summation, the human spirit of survival and everlasting hope is what gets me through most days. I like to think that there is nothing so difficult to overcome. I like to think that with everything that we get thrown our way, we can overcome. No one can take away hope. It's like a flame that forever burns...sometimes brightly, sometimes not. Yet, it's a flame that shines out nonetheless.

Inner City Blues (Make Me Wanna Holler)

It's been a strange few days to say the least. Not really strange in a literal aliens have landed sense, just I've been feeling a bit off lately. I feel run down and stressed and just kind of shitty. I really haven't been sleeping well. I'm not eating all that well either. Well, today I ate pretty well, but it was all processed crap that isn't good for me and left me hungry after a few hours. I don't know if I've been getting sympathy pains or something, but when Marion feels sick, I get nauseous too. It's weird to think we'd be that connected or whatever, but it seemingly happens.

We met with the Radiation Oncologist today and he explained how the internal radiation will play out---how the process works. It takes a longer amount of time because they are all sorts of calculations to do. They pretty much said expect to be at the hospital for half the day when she gets the internal radiation. Now, this is already after enduring daily radiation for five weeks and chemotherapy which while is only once a week, it takes 6 hours to do. It's just a lot to deal with. And, frankly, you don't even know if anything is working because you're still in treatment so while the tumor may be shrinking it always shrinks initially so don't be too excited about results (pardon the run on of it was).

My mind tries to just shut down from all this. I just want to vegetate and listen to music or something. I listened to Lady Gaga's "Fame" and "Fame Monster" LP and EP respectively. I have a friend who is really into Gaga, so I figured I'd give it a try and listen to it. I wish I could say I liked it, but today's music just ain't my bag. If someone wanted me to describe Lady Gaga to them, I'd say it sounded like Phil Spector throwing up on a Blondie record. I'm pretty sure that would be the most accurate description I could give.

And, the thing that gets me is there is some true talent under all that image. She's like the opposite of recent YouTube starlet Rebecca Black. While Rebecca Black has probably a limited range of talent (it's hard to tell from the brief performance on Jay Leno), there is nothing underneath. Sure, she may be a sweet kid, and her parents had $2,000 lying around for their daughter to make a video, but she is exactly that---a sweet, normal everyday kid with mediocre talent.

What Gaga is beneath it all is a true talent. She has a great voice, no doubt. She has some fine musicianship skills as evidenced in her earlier EP "Red and Blue" and her single "Speechless". While I don't think her lyrical writing is anything to get excited about, her earlier career showed glimpses of some good writing (and "Speechless" as well).


It just bothers me she made this entire image which is so transparent and devoid of any substance. I really hate synthesizers. Nearly every Gaga song features an endless parade of multilayered and repetitive synth melodic hooks. It's just not my scene, man. I like a story to be told. I like something there...a reason to listen. One song Lady Gaga sings about her phone going off in a club and she can't answer it because she has a drink in her hand or some crap. I mean, how can I relate to that? How does this offer me a fresh perspective on life? It doesn't because it lacks any type of commentary on anything. It lacks any type of substance. It exists simply to dance to...which isn't really a bad thing. But, it boggles my mind that it's as popular as it is. I really just wish she would ditch this image, this shallow visage, and became Stefani again.

Well, enough about Gaga.

(It's just my opinion anyway)

But, yeah...I try to distract myself from thinking about all this stuff going on. It's just too much to think about. It's an overwhelming thing...this cancer. Maybe I should be thankful that Gaga allowed me to mindlessly listen to songs about telephones and some dude named Alejandro. Frankly, for a hour and half...thanks to Gaga...that's all I was actively thinking about. In that respect, I guess that's not such a bad thing.

I haven't forgotten about the blog...

The time is ticking down as far as Marion's round of treatment. She is one week away from completing the external radiation. She still has two chemotherapy treatments to go. She'll be thankful for that, I assure you. More on that in a bit. She has an operation on the 22nd to implant some device...erm...well, so she can get internal radiation done. I'm not too certain on the procedure, but I'll get prepped the day of like last time.

The chemotherapy is brutal. Marion is getting Cisplatin which causes (what I consider) severe nausea and vomiting. She handles it pretty well, and has lost only 10 or so pounds. The weight loss isn't really all that bad considering how aggressive the Doctors are in relation to the treatments. She's been experiencing a loss of appetite the past few days. We are kind of lucky because we're so close to a hospital just in case. Through all of this, Marion has been so good. I'm truly proud of her as she faces this. Earlier in the week, she said she wanted to be off the chemotherapy. I talked her off the ledge because the chemotherapy is what is stopping the spread further at this point.

In other news, Disability is asking for tests that really don't explain much. They asked for the PET Scan which really doesn't say anything at all. Sure, it says that there was an increased metabolic activity in the known cervical mass. However, it doesn't state that the mass was cancer, nor did it stage the cancer. I faxed over the reports she had done from the procedures on Jan. 18th. That was the procedure that actually staged the cancer and explains why it was staged in that way. Hopefully, with this new information, her claim will be approved. Who knows with the mounds of bullshit you have to tread through. Not to mention that trying to reach the caseworker is harder than attempting to communicate with a jellyfish. Ugh!

My Unemployment hit a snag on my birthday of all days. I was attempting to claim for the week and it said I had to call in rather than use the net to re-certify the claim. I did so and was informed that since I worked in PA, my NJ claim was over and I would have to open a claim in PA. Oh, and they had to backdate all this to August. This effects the WBR. Anyway, to make a long story short...and cutting out details such as making 10 calls over the past two days to two states, being lied to, being hung up on...finally after over two weeks of bullshit, NJ sent over my wage information (which should be attached to my Social Security #) but, anyway, NJ sent over my wages and they can now make a financial determination.

Keep in mind that I haven't received any type of benefit payment since the end of February. I had to ask for money to just pay my electric this month. While my bills are current, I'm still not sure when I'm going to receive anything. They still have to do an eligibility determination because I was terminated from Colonial Penn. Granted, I have a pending case with the EEOC over some charges. Granted, NJ already determined I was eligible. But, what am I supposed to tell my landlord? What I am supposed to do when I'm facing cable, electric, phone, etc. coming due all at the same time? The people in PA say this happens all the time...but, does that make it any better? It's crazy when you think about it.

I'll survive. Marion and I always have. I just wish once we'd have a stroke or two of good luck. Sometimes, the hardest thing in this world is to live in it.