The 1st Week

It's been about a week since Marion was diagnosed with cervical cancer. It's been a frustrating mix of rejections and dead ends. Both of us are uninsured, and finding coverage for this costly disease is heartbreaking...utterly heartbreaking. There's so many levels of red tape and governmental bureaucracy that it would make your head spin.

While I'm not one to go into a political debate about why public health reform is a good or a bad thing, I will say that having some type of option would be a wonderful gift. It would be a gift of both hope and life. But, all that said, I believe we have found an option for us to get the coverage that she so desperately needs.

President Bill Clinton signed into law the National Breast and Cervical Cancer Early Detection Act of 2000 which gives Medicaid benefits to women who are under the age of 65 and who are uninsured or underinsured. This program will screen eligible women and treat them if they are found to have cancer (either breast or cervical cancer). The HUGE and very important issue is that you MUST get screened at one of the state approved facilities for you to get the coverage you need. What this amounts to is a Catch-22 if you happen to get diagnosed elsewhere.

In New Jersey, there is specifically a program called the Cancer Education and Early Detection Program (or CEED). Again, you must adhere to going through a state approved facility to get the treatment you need. There are several sites scattered throughout the state which makes things easier for people.

Besides finding out more than I ever wanted to know about cervical cancer and how to finance the treatments, this week has been very trying to say the least. I never thought that I would have to be going through this at this time in my life. I'm 34 and Marion is just 41. To be told that your loved one...your right hand, your partner, the reason why you try...has cancer...it's like the world and plans and dreams you made have been sucked away from you in a heartbeat.

Before we knew for sure, I was kind of prepping myself for the bad news. Doing research on her condition before we knew for sure what it was, I had an idea that there was a 70% chance it was cancer. There was that 30% in me that hoped for the best, but I guess last Saturday I started to accept the fact that it was most likely a worse case scenario. However, sitting in that cold, sterile, overtly white exam room...I was still shocked when I heard it. I was probably in shock for the next day. It's hard to even write this now, but it was hard to say, "I love you" to Marion because of the pain it caused me. It took me until later on that night until I could even squeak it out in a sob.

I can only imagine how Marion feels. We talk, and I'm trying my best to be supportive as well. But, I don't want to change things. I don't want her to feel like she isn't able to do things she used to. She's still healthy...despite some nagging pains now and again. Let me clarify what I mean...I don't want to assume doing more than before. In all honesty, I'm pretty lazy and she does a lot. I don't want to start doing more because it would appear that I think she's not able to do what she used to do. I'm not sure if that makes sense, but I want to keep a balance of normalcy when things are far from normal.

As far as God or the topic of spirituality may go. I'm angry with God for this and so many other things. I'm not sure if I can accept the theory that God only gives us which we can handle. My plate has been filled again and again. I have lost friends suddenly. I lost my Mom a little over a year ago. I'm not sure if I can accept this as His way. Of course, so many people will say, "It's not God that did this!" But, God is in charge of all things. I've been told (and read) that He knows how many hairs are on your head. Then why do these things happen? Why do people suffer? How is that God's plan? How can a God that loves you put you through so much pain? Like much about Christianity, it makes little sense to me. To take a person, like Marion, who has already endured so much, and add to her suffering makes me angry with God. Why? Because a God that encourages suffering as a trial or a test doesn't seem like a God filled with love for His creations.

I feel I've written a fair amount, and if you made it this far, I thank you for reading this. If I helped someone with information...well, good. Knowledge is power for sure.