Bah Humbug!

I really wasn't going to do this, but this blog is my outlet, and I feel the need to vent. When you receive the diagnosis of cancer, I'm sure that it comes as a shock and a blow at any time of the year. But, to get it in the middle of the holiday season when everyone is so damned happy and cheerful just either pisses you off or makes you more jaded about the whole issue.

As a young lad, I loved this time of year. I loved the candlelight service at church. I loved opening the one present (just one!) on Christmas Eve. I loved visiting Mom-Mom on Christmas Eve at the High Rise. I loved my cousins Johnny and Mike coming over to see who got what. I just loved nearly every aspect of Christmas and the season.

I guess as you get older and more jaded, things like Christmas become more about rushing around and trying to find a good gift, or you just lose all that and turn into a bitter hermit cursing at all the Salvation Army bell ringers outside the department stores. I think Christmas starts to lose some of its magic as you grow more weary from this world.

So, with Christmas losing the magic already, Marion is diagnosed with cancer the Monday after Thanksgiving. Looking forward into the next month at that time was very difficult. All those festive songs. All those happy people. All those kids too young to know any better that life will wear down on them...

I can listen to most Christmas songs. Songs about a deformed reindeer or a snowman or silver bells don't really bother me. But, one song, as hideous and as tedious as it is, disturbs me to the point of tears because of its message. "All I Want for Christmas is You" by Mariah Carey just makes me so sad. You may think to yourself, why. And to answer your question, I'm not too sure. Maybe I feel the loss of something that we'll never have again. Maybe it's because I really dislike Mariah's cat like screeching. Whatever the reason, the songs bothers me.

I went shopping alone for presents this year, and that bothered me too. Every Christmas since we've lived together (14 years), we went together and picked out presents for one another and family. To go alone was tremendously hard to do. A well meaning cashier commented on a sweater I bought for Marion by asking if it was for "my lady". I choked up a bit, and mumbled an affirmative. She saw I was kind of upset and said things will work out, whatever it may be. How do you even acknowledge that? I just muttered a thanks and went my way.

For some reason I was also obsessed with getting the TY Beanie Babies Peanuts characters, especially Woodstock (Marion's favorite). I went to Five Below where they were advertised and told they didn't have any. Again, I almost broke down. I hope I hid it better. I did finally track those down, by the way.

But, my point is around this time of year people are just so cheerful, and they don't want to be brought down with some serious issues like cancer and sickness or what have you. People want to eat their fruit cake, buy their presents, and wish you well. I know everyone is just trying to be good intentioned, but it just hurts to know what I do, and to be powerless against this disease. I know Marion has a really good chance, but I still just wish it was all a nightmare (a very lucid one) that I could wake from; I'd hug her and hold her tight and tell her everything was just a terrible dream. That's my Christmas wish, but I realize that it's just not the way things are.