A post in a forgotten and neglegted blog

What a difference a year can make. Last year at this time was probably one of the worst times in my life. I was still reeling from the recent loss of my Mom in October of 2009. Then, Marion was diagnosed with cervical cancer during the holiday season. It was right after Thanksgiving and directly before Christmas, and at the time I honestly felt as if my entire world was crumbling slowly away.

Things have changed in the past year. Marion went through a very intensive and successful round of chemotherapy and radiation therapy with the wonderful doctors of Cooper University Hospital in Camden, NJ. At her last visit in November, she was told that the tumor (which was quite sizable) can not even be seen at this point. She has minimal scarring from the radiation. Though during the time she was going through the treatments were very dark days, she has rebounded to be a stronger person than before.

There are so many things that have been going on as well. Marion's daughter, Amanda, is now living with us after DYFS (Division of Youth and Family Services) placed her with us. Basically, she was removed from her father's care by the courts when he was deemed to be unfit (and I'm attempting to put this in the nicest way possible).

Obviously, having a 17 year old living with us after years and years of not having children has been quite a change. There's curfews and worrying about school and battles over who's life it is and all that nonsense that won't matter in five or so years. She's a rather stubborn kid, and she's built up so many defenses after living in horrible conditions for so much of her life. It's a shame it took what it did before the State jumped in and placed her with us. We did go for custody once and were turned down...long story.

But, Amanda is a good kid. Sure, she's missed curfew here and there, and has some weird mood swings, but she's a respectful, loving, good kid. She does exhibit Marion's argument style...which isn't a great thing. They both have a "Shock and Awe" style where they carpet bomb anyone close with various barbs and stealth bomb attacks. It's not really an effective communication style...but, having come from the place she's been, I understand why she has this weird "take no prisoners" style of attack.

See, it's so much easier to give up on yourself and just quit. And, that's what she wants to do. She's had a lifetime's worth of pain and hurt, and I totally get why she just wants to throw in the towel. But, she's worth fighting for. She's worth trying to see that she's worth a damn after being treated like a nothing for most of her life. I want her to succeed. I believe in her and her future.

And, frankly, the few and far between spats that have happened in retrospect weren't all that bad.

Anyway, for the 1st time in a while, I'm looking forward to a new year. Hope you are too.

Behind the Landlord debacle.

If you follow my facebook, you'll know by now that we recently defeated our landlords in an eviction that stemmed from nonpayment of rent. I detailed exactly what how this all came about, but the crux of the issue came about when I realized that our security deposit was mingled with the landlord's money rather than put into an interest bearing account as outlined by NJ law. I sent a certified notice detailing that since I had never received notice as required by law, and that they must us our security deposit as rent (which is allowed by law).

Of course, they didn't agree with my position. Immediately after receiving the letter, I was bombarded with calls threatening our impending eviction. Three days later, one of the landlords said, "You f*** with me, I'm gonna f*** with you." He implored me to seek legal consul because my reasoning was wrong. In no uncertain terms can someone use their security deposit as rent. I countered that when a landlord follows the law, sure, you're right. Unfortunately for you, you failed to follow the law, and this is my recourse. Frankly, I already know that I would never see the security deposit back anyway. I knew these disingenuous folks would trump up charges and otherwise find ways not to give the money back. At least this way, I would get to use the security as rent payments.

So, after a cooling off period, the wife of the landlord pair started playing nice all of the sudden. She patched the hole in our kitchen and was cordial in her phone conversations.

The night before our scheduled eviction hearing, she comes over unannounced. She says that we'll get what we want, here's the deposit applied to rent, and that's that.

At this point, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that this was just a backroom deal that she would not even remotely agree to. This was her way of making us think we had come to a settlement, and that we didn't have a need to go to court. I mean, we came to an agreement (that was still fundamental flawed), but we had an agreement. Going to court would be a moot issue.

However, had we not gone to court, she would have gotten a default judgement against us. She would have filed the certification, and she would have gotten a judgement for possession. Had I been more naive, this would have been our fate. But, I knew her night before epiphany was just a play by her to get us into believing her. In court, she recanted all her previous statements saying this or that. She lied.

All I had to prove was we never got the 30 day notice. Her fate was sealed immediately after. At that point, all that was left was to see how much was owed or not. Let's call it a wash, and rent is paid up until November.

Let's just say that what little respect I had for her is null and void after this. Let's just say that she tries to paint herself as the patron Saint of whatever but the fact is she's a bitter, vindictive, bitch.

I'm sure she's gone to people's houses the day before and did the same thing she did to us. I am absolutely sure of it. In 2010, she had 2 evictions won by default. The day we went, she won another one by default. The perfect tenant for her is one that has no mouth and simply pays rent with no issues. When the house is falling apart, and the rent is overpriced, it's ridiculous to me not to stand and fight. I think most people get their eviction notice and run, thinking that this is the judgement. It's not. 9/10 if a landlord doesn't have an attorney, then I doubt they have a grasp on landlord/tenant law.

It felt good to stand up to her. It really did.

Remembrances

Cancer is a word I detest. It's a simple two syllable word that destroys families and ruins a quality of life. Cancer has affected me so deeply in the past few years. I hate this disease...this horrible and nearly indescribable feeling of hopelessness that goes into even thinking about the word.

It's been two years since cancer has taken its first person from me. On October 18th, 2009, my Mom passed away after a brief battle with cancer. By time the cancer was diagnosed, it was Stage 4 that had metastasized to her liver. It's in hindsight and my own personal research that I know more about cancer now. But, two years ago, before cancer had touched me with its steely, cold fingers, I didn't know much of anything about what cancer was and just how horrible it really is.

It's still weird to me that cells mutating can cause that much issues within a body that overall is doing well. It's just such a strange thing to me.

Anyway, the way I thought things went before was you were diagnosed, and you got treatments. I didn't know what stages were or what metastasized meant. Now, I know all too well. And, quite frankly, it's hell. Whether you're stage 4 or stage 2 or whatever. Seeing a love one going through the treatments, or worse, the effects of cancer tears you apart. There is no other way to describe the psychological toll that cancer wrecks upon your very soul.

About a year after my Mom had passed away, Marion, my fiancee, was diagnosed with Stage IIIB Cervical Cancer. I can not even tell you how we both felt the day a complete stranger (not even Marion's regular Doctor) came in his white lab coat and laid probably the worst news I'll ever hear in my life. Still suffering from the wounds of my Mom's passing from cancer, and then to have this thrown at us...it just ripped out my soul.

I am happy to say that Marion has done very well in her treatments. The cancer is seemingly in remission (although Doctors haven't exactly said so). Her pap smears are fine. The tumor has pretty much gone away. That's remarkable because it was the size of a softball from what I was told. Damage to healthy tissues is limited. Overall, she's done so well. And, she was a champ the entire time. Sure, there were bad days...but, the good far outweighed the bad.

While we were getting this bit of good news, my cousin Ron was sadly losing his battle to cancer. I've written a great deal about him on this blog, but allow me to say, it just shows that cancer is a terrible, terrible thing. I hate seeing anyone suffer, and I'm happy he is in a better place now. He fought a valiant fight.

So, I hate cancer. I hate it with as much as I can. It's not fair to anyone.

I hope for the best.

I dedicate the song below to those who are fighting against cancer, and sadly, to those who have lost. I love you, Mom.

Ballad of the Landlord

Landlord, landlord,
My roof has sprung a leak.
Don't you 'member I told you about it
Way last week?

Landlord, landlord,
These steps is broken down.
When you come up yourself
It's a wonder you don't fall down.

Ten Bucks you say I owe you?
Ten Bucks you say is due?
Well, that's Ten Bucks more'n I'l pay you
Till you fix this house up new.

What? You gonna get eviction orders?
You gonna cut off my heat?
You gonna take my furniture and
Throw it in the street?

Um-huh! You talking high and mighty.
Talk on-till you get through.
You ain't gonna be able to say a word
If I land my fist on you.

Police! Police!
Come and get this man!
He's trying to ruin the government
And overturn the land!

Copper's whistle!
Patrol bell!
Arrest.
Precinct Station.
Iron cell.
Headlines in press:
MAN THREATENS LANDLORD
TENANT HELD NO BAIL
JUDGE GIVES NEGRO 90 DAYS IN COUNTY JAIL!

Note: When talking about the landlords, I switch from he/him, she/her, and them. There are two landlords, a husband and wife.


The above poem is from one Langston Hughes. He was from the Harlem Renaissance and had a very prolific career despite his background. I think he escaped to France like a lot of African Americans writers did, but I could be wrong. Now, the reason I now shared this is to give the proper background to my blog tonight.

We've been having some issues with our landlords for a while. Most of the time I'm pretty laid back about the inconveniences that are caused either directly or indirectly by them. I do want to stress before I go further that they have been very gracious to us a few times. However, that does not give them free reign to be complete absentee landlords, which at this point they are.

Most of the issues, as I said, were indirectly attributed to them. They have a lenient screening policy which leads to less than desirable neighbors living directly under us. In our short two and a half years living here, we've gone through 4 sets of neighbors. The 1st couple was perhaps the worst engaging in daily fights with each other. They were so miserable they took it out on us as well going so far as to verbally attack Marion and I as we were walking to the store one night. It escalated to them calling the police on us (however, Marion and I were at my Dad's for the weekend and John was working). Calls to the landlords were left with a simple "Call the police on dem."

I suppose I was far too forgiving. The next set of folks were also fighters. Both these people were large people. They'd stomp around and have a daily 1:30am fight with furniture flying and various screams. Although Marion and I called the cops previously on the other two, we made a pact to just let the chips fall. Frankly, the cops never did anything anyway, so it was a fight with futility anyway. The woman in the couple would usually go outside hysterically crying and screaming, and after a while Marion and I didn't even bat an eye. At least, we figured, their beef was with each other and not with us.

The last set were college age females. She had a son and various Baby Daddy dramas going on all the time. There were fist fights on the lawn, fights inside, etc. One night, someone was banging on the door around 1:00am for about a half hour. We called the cops. They only helped the people by banging louder. After the cop left, the person banging went around back and was trying to pry open a window. We called the landlord who replied, "They're younger than you." We tried to impress upon them someone was breaking in, but they couldn't have cared less.

Anyway, I'm just relaying these tales to set up a general idea that they just really don't give a flying crap what happens here. As long as you keep your mouth shut and pay your rent, everything is a-okay.

So, for about two years we've had this leaking ceiling in the kitchen. It started in the area where an obvious patch was. Soon, the paint drooped, and water began dripping more aggressively. We told him, promises were made to fix, and that was that. Months went by. Finally, the paint completely fell. He made a feeble attempt to patch it with sheet rock this past August. One rainstorm later, his patch fell. Again, we told him. More promises to fix it were made. As of this writing, he has yet to fix anything. Nor has he even inspected the damage. I've sent two notices at this point, and nothing...but, an eviction notice.

Now, here's where things get a bit more interesting. With all this going on and their apparent lack of doing anything even remotely to do with our issues, I started looking at things. I started looking at NJ Laws. At the same time I sent them the "Notice Requesting Repairs" I also sent them a certified letter for them to apply my security deposit as rent. Now, you may be one of those saying that that's not legal...but, I would ask you to read NJSA 46:8-19. Specifically,

If the person receiving a security deposit fails to invest or deposit the security money in the
manner required under this section or to provide the notice or pay the interest to the tenant as
required under this subsection, the tenant may give written notice to that person that such
security money plus an amount representing interest at the rate of seven percent per annum be
applied on account of rent payment or payments due or to become due from the tenant, and
thereafter the tenant shall be without obligation to make any further security deposit and the
person receiving the money so deposited shall not be entitled to make further demand for a
security deposit.

emphasis added.

So, that's what I did. The landlords claim this isn't legal. They've both said they put the money in their own bank account. Well, look here:

Whenever money or other form of security shall be deposited or advanced on a contract, lease
or license agreement for the use or rental of real property as security for performance of the
contract, lease or agreement or to be applied to payments upon such contract, lease or agreement
when due, such money or other form of security, until repaid or so applied including the tenant's
portion of the interest or earnings accumulated thereon as hereinafter provided, shall continue to
be the property of the person making such deposit or advance and shall be held in trust by the
person with whom such deposit or advance shall be made for the use in accordance with the
terms of the contract, lease or agreement and shall not be mingled with the personal property or
become an asset of the person receiving the same.

emphasis added.

He came on September 16th (after receiving the certified letter about this) expected rent (we've been paying weekly for about 2 years now). I told him that I gave him written notice and that by law he needs to apply the money to account. Basically, through because of this law, we'll be caught up on rent to November. Both landlords have no legal standing here. The money has mingled with their own funds, was not in a separate account, was not bearing interest, we never received annual interest credits/payments, and we never received any of the legal notices as required (which admittedly they can not do because they never put the money in any other account but their own).

Now, as far as that goes, we win rather handily. All that's required of me is to send written notice to use the security deposit as rent. They didn't accept it. They figured they could just evict us when we started to make noise. The thing is, I still wasn't mad at them really. Even when as soon as she got the letter she called and threatened us with eviction, told us we were harassing her, didn't like my attitude and all sorts of nonsense. I chalked that up to someone who simply doesn't know the law at all. But, a line was crossed when the 1st words he said to me were:

"You f*** with me, I'm gonna f*** with you."

Well, that's when a line was crossed. You may think why don't we just move or this and that. The thing is we're close to transportation and Marion's doctors more or less. It's close to Philly. If these people just took responsibility as landlords rather than being asshats, none of this had to happen. It just gets me mad when people don't do things they should and then have the audacity to threaten us. The funny thing is he gave me some papers from "The Truth in Lending Handbook" that summed up exactly what I told him. He's either illiterate or stupid, perhaps both.

As far as the 2'x2' hole in our ceiling, we went to Municipal Hall to find out if the landlords were registered (they are). While speaking with the Housing Inspector, she asked if things were fixed (as he failed the last housing inspection primarily due to the feeble patch job). We replied, no. She asked if she could come over and see it. We obliged. She was less than happy and stated he has five days to comply. This was around 1pm today. She was calling him around then. We haven't received any calls from them. If he simply shows up, I'm going to tell him to make an appointment. No 24 hour notice, no entry.

I'm tired of them. At this point, I just want what's right, and them to take responsibility for their actions.

Doing the update

I haven't updated as much as I did previously (because there just isn't much to tell). There are a few things I'll update on. First, Marion had her PET scan and results read back from her radiation oncologist. Allow me to explain the PET scan process. Basically, a sugar (or something similar) is injected into the body. Rapidly dividing cells (typically cancer cells) "light up" on the PET scan.

The pic above shows a PET scan.

The good news is as far as Marion's cervical cancer goes, nothing "lit up". However, there was something in her neck that "lit up" Her first PET scan showed the same abnormality, and the doctors didn't seem overly concerned with it. They'll be following it up now with a MRI for further testing. Marion's been complaining of some pain there now, but it seemed to come on all of the sudden after hearing her radiation oncologist. We'll see what the Oncologist has to say after the MRI.

In other news, Tuesday was a day where things were all shaken up here in New Jersey. An earthquake hit in Mineral, VA that made its way up the entire East Coast. I've heard people say they didn't feel anything. I've heard people scared witless. Personally, I was annoyed at a guy sitting in the same row as Marion and I during her Child Support hearing.

We were sitting there waiting for Marion's turn to explain herself when a sudden shaking occurred. I thought it was the guy down the row hitting the bench with his feet. It became more violent and I figured it was a train going by. Yet, I soon realized there was no train near this courthouse. Time passed (slowly) until the hearing officer declared he was leaving and he thought we all should. Court cancelled.

As I write this, there is also some real concern over the impending Hurricane currently barreling toward us with reckless and wanton abandon. Irene is her name and destruction is her game. I already have a sufficiently weakened roof that already leaks that I'm worried about. I'm also worried about the Delaware River about a mile or two to the West which could seemingly flood. I'm furthered worried that the town I live in has a poor drainage system even in the most trivial of storms. I'm as prepared as I can be (flashlights, canned food, candles, battery radios, etc). Yet, I'm slightly worried that the nearest shelter is about 25 miles away in Glassboro. I also don't drive and PATCO, NJ Transit, and SEPTA are all closing down at various times from 6pm until who knows when.

My simple plan is if things get bad (roof flies off, a plague of locusts) is to trudge my way to the closest hospital and sit in the waiting room. I really can't figure out why the Red Cross hasn't opened up a shelter in all of Camden county. I have theories, but I don't want to sound like Kayne West.

Regardless, I honestly think things should be okay. I figure a power loss of 48 hours or so, some flooding, and not much more. I hope for once my optimistic spirit is right.

3 Month Checkup

Without getting into graphic detail, Marion went for her 3 month checkup today. She had a pelvic exam and the OB/GYN commented that everything looks healthy. From behind the curtain (as during the exams I hide), I asked, "Are you sure?" He assured me he was. The size of the tumor was "impressive" as the doctor said. Now, upon visual examination he told us everything looks normal. He said it was obvious radiation had been done, but besides that, everything looked fine.

She also had a pap smear (I really hate that word) done and they are in the process of scheduling a PET scan. However, everything seems to be going a-okay. I would imagine the pap smear would show some type of abnormality...but, maybe not. It's been a roller coaster of the past year. It was right around this time last year that Marion's troubles had started (at least on a scale that was measurable). A year later, after a few months of near constant treatments, it would appear things are going in the right direction.

We are joyous, but still treading cautiously.

A new place to blog

No, no, I'm not leaving blogger. But, what I am going to do is start another blog to discuss pop culture, MMA, pro wrestling, and any other number of things that I want to. See, I started this blog, Coping, as a way to discuss all the trials and tribulations of going through a cancer diagnosis. I never felt that this blog should be used for such nonsense as Casey Anthony, UFC 132, or anything like that.

As we await Marion's 3 month checkup (August 1), there just hasn't been too much to blog about. She's doing very well considering all the aspects of being diagnosed with Stage IIIB cancer. But, frankly, we just don't know much right now. After about three months of daily radiation and chemo, we just are waiting an appointment with her Oncologist to see where she stands.

Until then, this blog has been shrouded in a fine mist of virtual cobwebs. So, I decided to start a new blog here: http://folsomcounty.blogspot.com/

I'll start working on that soon.

Hershey: The Sweetest Place on Earth

Marion and I have decided to go to Hershey, PA for her birthday this year. We first went to Hershey in 2007 for Marion's birthday. We went to Dutch Wonderland, Hersheypark, Chocolate World, and a few notable other places. But, the best part of the experience was camping. Marion and I enjoy sleeping outside, and the truth is I really like getting away from it all for a while. This time we're going for 4 days and staying at the Hershey Highmeadow Campground. It's closer to the city than we usually stayed and offers a free shuttle bus back and forth to the park. The place seems really nice with a few pools, camp store, etc.

We really do enjoy it up there. I think through time you and your significant other find a place that's yours. It seemingly belongs to you. After years of going to Lancaster, PA, we finally discovered Hershey. As often as both in adulthood and childhood I went to Lancaster, I have no idea why I never ventured the 30 or so miles to the sweetest place on Earth. The place literally smells like chocolate throughout the town. It's a fabulous place. And, you can buy boxes of candy at wholesale prices.

We attempted a return trip in 2008 with friends, and let's just say I think it may be better to experience as a couple. In 2008, the lines were long at the park. Bad planning led to no doing anything the second day we were there, and overall it was probably one of the worst trips I've ever made. No offense to the people involved, but it just was an entirely lackluster experience from start to finish.

When we were thinking of places to go, we were thinking of Williamsburg, VA and Busch Gardens. We thought of a few other places...but, we came to the conclusion that Hersheypark was the place to go. It's cheaper to get to. It's a place we already know and love. There are a few coasters I need to ride there (specifically Fahrenheit and Storm Runner). Just overall, it made a great deal of sense.

Also, it was Marion's choice. After all the treatments and recovery, I really see no reason why we shouldn't go there. The next month will be a rather busy one as we need to go to various court houses throughout the state to modify Marion's child support. The topic of child support is a rather sore topic for me, and I'll just say that lawmakers should take a look at how child support works. It's the one law on the books that can strip away any type of license (recreational, professional, driver), strip away bank accounts, strip away tax returns, put liens on property, and ultimately take away freedom. It's a system that has a complex series of court rules that the court officers and judges don't follow (basically, the court is supposed to take into account both parent's incomes, divide it by the entire amount, and see how much each parent should pay to affordability and by the percentage they make). Each time Marion has been given an arbitrary number as far as what her amount to pay is. Even though two of the children are emancipated, she's still paying 75 dollars a week in arrears. Even though the person that gets the money has kicked one of the children out and collects rent from the other child, Marion still pays this amount. Granted, we need to go and modify the order, and that's what we're going to do. Marion is disabled. She can not work. She gets a merger monthly allowance from SSD. If the order is not changed, she'll lose over 50% of her SSD to pay some vengeful, greedy people money they don't have a right to. I assure you there's more to the story, but suffice it to say the people involved that want the support are only doing so because it's one thing they still have over Marion. If people really want the government out of their lives, than the first step is to somehow amend the current child support laws. Make judges accountable for not following the court guidelines as far as income. Stop jailing people who can't afford to pay the oppressive and arbitrary fees. Stop suspending licenses. Stop screwing with people's credit (because arrears go on your credit report as a debt to the person in question). It's a horrible system that is always against the non-custodial parent. It's a system based on greed and revenge. It's a system that, although Debtor's prison's were outlawed in the early 20th century, will still lock people up for an inability to pay a debt. I doubt anything will change because it would be political suicide for anyone to open their mouth, and the custodial parents would likely shit a brick if anyone messed with their oodles of money that they don't have to claim.

So, as you can see, for numerous reasons, getting away for a few days to Hershey should be a blast. After a long 7 or so months, it will be nice to get away and have some fun.



I love this guys laugh.



"Now get ready...Here's we goooooooooooooooooo"

Saying Goodbye

It's not an earth shattering or even particularly original statement when I say, "I hate funerals". I do. I hate saying goodbye in even everyday mundane instances. The finality of the statement troubles me. I'd rather say "I love you" or "Talk to you later" or something to that effect. There's just a certain amount of finality to the words "goodbye" that on some weird level effects me and I'd rather not say it at all.

Yet, on Saturday afternoon, I said goodbye to my cousin Ron Dixon. There's still a part of me that feels he never knew just how much he meant to me. As a youth, he was my Youth Pastor and friend. Later on, as time usually does, we were still close, but not like I was while growing up. We shared a few memories as time went on. When my Mom passed away, there was absolutely no one I wanted more to be a part of the service than Ron. He graciously accepted and delivered the part of the service I remember most vividly. In the weeks that followed, I saw him a few more times...including seeing him preach an inspired sermon at the In His Presence church in Millville. I usually don't remember the words of sermons, but I still remember the wise words of bringing thanksgiving into thanksliving. Using Psalm 100 as his guideline, he taught a poignant message. Later on, Ron and I shared in what would be our last Millville football game...Thanksgiving 2009. Millville won in a memorable come from behind victory. It's a moment I'll cherish and I thank him for allowing me that time.

It seems another chapter of my childhood has slipped away with the sands of time. I've lost close friends (Hambone & Jason), a parent, and so many other family members. But, as one of the speakers from Ron's service, Pastor Ed Hampton said, "Life is made up of memories". I couldn't agree more. We don't remember the days, we remember the moments. We remember the late night chats over a cup of properly steeped tea. We remember the late night video game marathons. We remember the application of a Band Aid to a fresh scrape. We remember the tears of sadness and the elation of joy. But, when we must say goodbye, in all its finality, we must honor those that have passed too soon...the Mom, the cousin, the friends...by remembering the moments that were special. As my cousin Mike said, by remembering "the legend behind the stories" we have.

In closing, it was an absolute honor to be one of Ron's pallbearers. His wife Denise told me that it was Ron's personal wish for me to be one. I'm thankful for that. I'm thankful for being one of the few that carried Ron to his final resting place...

With tears in my eyes, I'd rather not say goodbye to Ron. I'm just going to say, "I love you" and remember all the times we shared, and all the memories that were created. I miss him profoundly.

For Ron

I sit here and honestly have tried to find the words to write about such a large and looming figure in my life. The importance of Ron Dixon, my cousin, my friend, my Pastor, just seems to come out in cliches. But, the reality is Ron Dixon made a HUGE impact to anyone who was lucky enough to be a part of it. From the age of around 12 or so to 17 or 18, Ron was a secondary father for me.

I was blessed, truly blessed, to have what I feel is the greatest father God could have given me. Likewise, I am also truly blessed to have been a part of Ron's life. I was blessed to share holidays, birthdays, and just about every other day between. There are so many memories I have of Ron, Mike, Ruthie, and the family that I can't even think of a time when Ron wasn't in some way connected with some important thing in my life when I was younger.

Ron's impact in my life was great. I highly doubt without Ron two things I greatly love would have even garnered a second glance from me. The first was a love of the Beatles. I've recounted on this blog previously how Ron would prepare his Sunday message the previous Saturday while listening to the Beatles. For some time, I just didn't "get" the Beatles. But, it was one Saturday night after Mike had already turned in that I sat in his kitchen. He made us some tea and the album "Let It Be" was on. It was the song, "I've Got A Feeling" that made me "get" it. In a sort of teenage epiphany, I turned to him and said something along the lines of, "Are you sure this is the Beatles?" His reply was, "Yeah, I'm pretty sure." I still rank "Let it Be" as perhaps my favorite Beatles album because it brings up in my mind such a vivid memory of the beginning of a lifelong love of music. And, I thank Ron for that.

Another love Ron passed onto me was baseball. For most of my life, I couldn't have cared about the Phillies, the Willie's, or what have you. But, when you become close with people such as Ron and Mike, that passion for the game is going to rub off on you. For me, it wasn't the act of playing the game (as my athletic skills were always somewhat lacking), it was more in the purity of the statistics. It was more in being in love with the numbers behind the game. I really went headlong into studying the game...I knew the lineup of the '69 Mets, Mickey's career numbers, Dennis Cook's penchant for sliding into first (which rubbed off into my own playing). So, I thank Ron for that as well.

But, most of all, I thank Ron for being a part of my life. While years have passed and sadly we grew apart because of distance, schedules, and just life in general...I always knew we had shared memories. We had shared a common bond. I know in some ways he will live on through me and those he had touched throughout his time.

Marion and I were talking about his long battle with cancer, and she just turned to me and said, "He's really an inspiration." I can't think of a better compliment to pay him. In so many ways Ron Dixon was a true inspiration. And, while he may have left us all to soon, I know he'll live on with every Beatles song I hear...with every RBI Chase Utley knocks in...with every inspiring sermon that is told. I love Ron. I miss him. May he finally have the rest he so richly deserves.

"if you have to go, don't say goodbye
if you have to go, don't you cry
if you have to go, I will get by
someday I'll follow you and see you on the other side"

For Martha, The Smashing Pumpkins

Time in a Bottle

When I started up this blog, I wasn't certain of the outcome. I honestly didn't know the stage of the cancer. I didn't know the prognosis. I really didn't understand why some cells not dying off and mutating was such a life threatening thing. I think most people realize how bad it is to be diagnosed with cancer, but understanding it and living with it are the things that people don't grasp (myself included).

I'm very happy with how things have gone. Marion was first diagnosed about 6 months ago right around Thanksgiving. In those six months, she was given a very, very aggressive mix of chemo and radiation therapy (both internal and external). While there were some pretty rough days for her (strangely more so after the treatments ended), she responded remarkably well. The tumor itself has shrunk to where the doctors can not see it with the naked eye. For the time being, we're in the clear.

She'll have regular checkups with the doctors in the coming months. I know it's a three month, then hopefully six month affair. I'm proud of her and the way she has handled the fight. She's truly an inspiration.

Speaking of inspirations, my cousin Ron is on my mind. I saw him on Monday, and I just don't have the right words to express my sadness. I'll try because this is a blog, and while I try to think of the right way to express myself, blank pages just don't work on blogs.

Ron was part of my youth, and a huge influence on me growing up. I've said before that I love him, but it's more than that I think. Ron is part of me from humor to music taste to Millville football games...I've already spoken of my fond memories of listening to the Beatles with Ron on Saturday nights/Sunday mornings. But, there's one other story I want to relay.

Thanksgiving 2009 Ron and I attended the Millville/Vineland football game at Wheaton Field (or whatever it's called now). It was an overcast, cold, somewhat miserable day. I vividly recall when I asked him to go...he had just preached at the old Broad Street Methodist church (the new name now escapes me). I talked my Dad into going. Despite the loud music section of the service (which included screeching and such), I enjoyed the service and especially Ron's message of making Thanksgiving Thanks-Living. It was based on Psalm 100...maybe? I looked it up, and it was. Anyway, after the service, the church had a dinner with the best collard greens I've ever had the pleasure to taste. Those collard greens...wait, where was I? That's right. After the service, I asked Ron if we could go to the game.

The game was won by Millville in spectacular fashion that year. It was a come from behind victory and I think there was some type of special team play that made it really exciting. I can't be sure. What I remember most was sitting there with Ron and talking Millville football, some limited NFL (as I haven't watched an Eagles or NFL game since 2005), and some MLB. I'd like to save that moment as if it were sand in a bottle. Kind of like holding onto it just to remember the good time of fellowship with someone I really enjoy being in the company of.

Ron's a special person to me...like a second father almost. I'm thinking I'll be going to the hospital to see him again today. I found the bus route that goes right to Virtua. I doubt I can do much, but at least I can be there. Sometimes, that's all we can do, I suppose.

Another post to a long forgotten blog

Well, here's an update for a blog that has sorely been lacking as of late. I've said it before that if there weren't many updates, then it's probably a good thing. On the flip side, a lack of updates seems to concern folks as well.

Marion has completed her internal and external radiation therapy along with her chemotherapy. She has reacted considerably well from all the treatments. She still gets sick now and then (usually after having greasy foods), but all in all, she is doing tremendous. For that, I am thankful for all the prayers, vibes, and well wishes that were sent her way during this time.

I honestly had no idea when all this started if she was first diagnosed how anything would play out. When you hear that life changing diagnosis, how can you be prepared for anything that will follow. I can remember for the 1st week or so just being totally numb from it all. As time has passed, the sting is still there, but considering just how well she has done, I think she'll come out of this pretty well.

Which, frankly, has me a bit amazed. I don't want to sound ungrateful or anything like that, but I was expecting so much worse. She was diagnosed with Stage III B cancer. The fact that the tumor has shrunk to the point where with the naked eye a doctor can't see it now (when it was quite sizable and took over most of the cervix all the way to the pelvic wall), it is just an amazing and miraculous event.

She has a followup with her radiation oncologist sometime this month. From there we'll know just how well (or not) she has done. My hope is we'll hear him say, "Come back in three months." If that's the case, it means that things are going extremely well for her. Conversely, if we hear, "We need to start up treatments again", well, things are a bit bleak. Bleak, but not hopeless, I should say. She's a fighter. And, I know she will do just fine.

Another thing I would be remiss in not mentioning is my long time friend, Andy, and his wife, Shanin, recently (last Saturday) welcomed to the world their daughter, Aubrey. Seeing the pictures and reading his updates have made me so happy for all of them. Aubrey is a precious little angel and brings such happiness to Andy and Shanin. It's not my place to discuss the struggles and hardships they went through, but it's been a long hard road for them. For them to be blessed with a child is another miracle (whether that miracle is science or God is not my place to discuss). I'm just so happy for them all. Aubrey, I feel, will be quite a spoiled child. Marion and I even have a few gifts for her. Frankly, I can not wait to meet her.

So, in summation, the human spirit of survival and everlasting hope is what gets me through most days. I like to think that there is nothing so difficult to overcome. I like to think that with everything that we get thrown our way, we can overcome. No one can take away hope. It's like a flame that forever burns...sometimes brightly, sometimes not. Yet, it's a flame that shines out nonetheless.

Inner City Blues (Make Me Wanna Holler)

It's been a strange few days to say the least. Not really strange in a literal aliens have landed sense, just I've been feeling a bit off lately. I feel run down and stressed and just kind of shitty. I really haven't been sleeping well. I'm not eating all that well either. Well, today I ate pretty well, but it was all processed crap that isn't good for me and left me hungry after a few hours. I don't know if I've been getting sympathy pains or something, but when Marion feels sick, I get nauseous too. It's weird to think we'd be that connected or whatever, but it seemingly happens.

We met with the Radiation Oncologist today and he explained how the internal radiation will play out---how the process works. It takes a longer amount of time because they are all sorts of calculations to do. They pretty much said expect to be at the hospital for half the day when she gets the internal radiation. Now, this is already after enduring daily radiation for five weeks and chemotherapy which while is only once a week, it takes 6 hours to do. It's just a lot to deal with. And, frankly, you don't even know if anything is working because you're still in treatment so while the tumor may be shrinking it always shrinks initially so don't be too excited about results (pardon the run on of it was).

My mind tries to just shut down from all this. I just want to vegetate and listen to music or something. I listened to Lady Gaga's "Fame" and "Fame Monster" LP and EP respectively. I have a friend who is really into Gaga, so I figured I'd give it a try and listen to it. I wish I could say I liked it, but today's music just ain't my bag. If someone wanted me to describe Lady Gaga to them, I'd say it sounded like Phil Spector throwing up on a Blondie record. I'm pretty sure that would be the most accurate description I could give.

And, the thing that gets me is there is some true talent under all that image. She's like the opposite of recent YouTube starlet Rebecca Black. While Rebecca Black has probably a limited range of talent (it's hard to tell from the brief performance on Jay Leno), there is nothing underneath. Sure, she may be a sweet kid, and her parents had $2,000 lying around for their daughter to make a video, but she is exactly that---a sweet, normal everyday kid with mediocre talent.

What Gaga is beneath it all is a true talent. She has a great voice, no doubt. She has some fine musicianship skills as evidenced in her earlier EP "Red and Blue" and her single "Speechless". While I don't think her lyrical writing is anything to get excited about, her earlier career showed glimpses of some good writing (and "Speechless" as well).


It just bothers me she made this entire image which is so transparent and devoid of any substance. I really hate synthesizers. Nearly every Gaga song features an endless parade of multilayered and repetitive synth melodic hooks. It's just not my scene, man. I like a story to be told. I like something there...a reason to listen. One song Lady Gaga sings about her phone going off in a club and she can't answer it because she has a drink in her hand or some crap. I mean, how can I relate to that? How does this offer me a fresh perspective on life? It doesn't because it lacks any type of commentary on anything. It lacks any type of substance. It exists simply to dance to...which isn't really a bad thing. But, it boggles my mind that it's as popular as it is. I really just wish she would ditch this image, this shallow visage, and became Stefani again.

Well, enough about Gaga.

(It's just my opinion anyway)

But, yeah...I try to distract myself from thinking about all this stuff going on. It's just too much to think about. It's an overwhelming thing...this cancer. Maybe I should be thankful that Gaga allowed me to mindlessly listen to songs about telephones and some dude named Alejandro. Frankly, for a hour and half...thanks to Gaga...that's all I was actively thinking about. In that respect, I guess that's not such a bad thing.

I haven't forgotten about the blog...

The time is ticking down as far as Marion's round of treatment. She is one week away from completing the external radiation. She still has two chemotherapy treatments to go. She'll be thankful for that, I assure you. More on that in a bit. She has an operation on the 22nd to implant some device...erm...well, so she can get internal radiation done. I'm not too certain on the procedure, but I'll get prepped the day of like last time.

The chemotherapy is brutal. Marion is getting Cisplatin which causes (what I consider) severe nausea and vomiting. She handles it pretty well, and has lost only 10 or so pounds. The weight loss isn't really all that bad considering how aggressive the Doctors are in relation to the treatments. She's been experiencing a loss of appetite the past few days. We are kind of lucky because we're so close to a hospital just in case. Through all of this, Marion has been so good. I'm truly proud of her as she faces this. Earlier in the week, she said she wanted to be off the chemotherapy. I talked her off the ledge because the chemotherapy is what is stopping the spread further at this point.

In other news, Disability is asking for tests that really don't explain much. They asked for the PET Scan which really doesn't say anything at all. Sure, it says that there was an increased metabolic activity in the known cervical mass. However, it doesn't state that the mass was cancer, nor did it stage the cancer. I faxed over the reports she had done from the procedures on Jan. 18th. That was the procedure that actually staged the cancer and explains why it was staged in that way. Hopefully, with this new information, her claim will be approved. Who knows with the mounds of bullshit you have to tread through. Not to mention that trying to reach the caseworker is harder than attempting to communicate with a jellyfish. Ugh!

My Unemployment hit a snag on my birthday of all days. I was attempting to claim for the week and it said I had to call in rather than use the net to re-certify the claim. I did so and was informed that since I worked in PA, my NJ claim was over and I would have to open a claim in PA. Oh, and they had to backdate all this to August. This effects the WBR. Anyway, to make a long story short...and cutting out details such as making 10 calls over the past two days to two states, being lied to, being hung up on...finally after over two weeks of bullshit, NJ sent over my wage information (which should be attached to my Social Security #) but, anyway, NJ sent over my wages and they can now make a financial determination.

Keep in mind that I haven't received any type of benefit payment since the end of February. I had to ask for money to just pay my electric this month. While my bills are current, I'm still not sure when I'm going to receive anything. They still have to do an eligibility determination because I was terminated from Colonial Penn. Granted, I have a pending case with the EEOC over some charges. Granted, NJ already determined I was eligible. But, what am I supposed to tell my landlord? What I am supposed to do when I'm facing cable, electric, phone, etc. coming due all at the same time? The people in PA say this happens all the time...but, does that make it any better? It's crazy when you think about it.

I'll survive. Marion and I always have. I just wish once we'd have a stroke or two of good luck. Sometimes, the hardest thing in this world is to live in it.

Update: March 10, 2011

There hasn't been too much going on as far as Marion's condition. She's been experiencing the typical side effects of the chemotherapy...nausea, throwing up, loss of appetite. She's lost maybe 12 or so pounds (which allows her to fit into some clothes...so, at this point her doctors aren't concerned about the weight loss). Her blood counts are normal, and according to an X ray recently, it seems the tumor is responding to the treatments (meaning the tumor is shrinking). The doctors are now prepping Marion to have a "sleeve" inserted so they can do internal radiation. Her survival rate increases with this procedure.

I hate words and phrases like that. Prognosis, survival rate, quality of life...

While Marion goes into her treatments, I sit in a waiting room. All sorts of people shuffle in and out while I wait for her to get done. There are some people that come into radiation oncology that so much don't have a life as they just exist. There's a glaze in the eye of some of these patients. If you look closely, that spark that most people have...of things to do and people to see...just isn't there anymore. Maybe it's like shell shock or PTS or something similar. It's a battle to the death quite literally when you and cancer face off. I shudder to think Marion will get that look in her eye one day. It's entirely possible...but something I'd rather not face at the moment.

As far as all the other elements of this...the Social Security Disability is the one thing that's just slugging along right now. It's actually not because of the state in this case. It's because Cooper Hospital and the Women's Care Center hasn't sent in the required documents to the state yet. We got a call yesterday from a caseworker who said normally they would just close the case based on insufficient evidence. However, in Marion's case, since it's Stage III cancer she's willing to wait. I mean, it's been 43 days since the state attempted to get the reports and all from the clinic and the hospital. We have attempted to get some records as well, and haven't gotten them either. It's odd to me why the clinic and the hospital (who said they were in the process of sending it 2 weeks ago) can't get this rather simplistic task together. Our livelihood depends on it for God's sake.

We'll be going to the records department today to get more information. I hate having to woirry about these sorts of things, but the truth is we need to get it done. The case worker is also calling the Women's Care Center, so we're hoping this sandwich like assault will get things done.

A bittersweet Birthday, but a birthday nonetheless.

I was born 35 years ago on this day. Wow. I've seen a lot, done a lot, and learned a lot. I've seen the United States from the shores of New Jersey to the mountains of California. I've studied film and literature. I've read William Shakespeare and Howard Stern. I've seen classic films and the newer garbage that Hollywood sends out each year. I've played guitar, been in a few bands, and rue the day that I gave up playing. I've had friends pass away. I've lost my Mom to cancer...

...and now, with Marion, I am in a battle with cancer. It's hard to define what my role is in this battle. With a soldier like Marion, she makes things very easy. Even when she's in pain, she doesn't complain.

I'll relate a story because it just shows how amazing Marion is. I have cavities in probably 95% of my teeth, and from time to time will get these horrible, mind numbing, toothaches. One day last week, I was suffering from such a toothache when Marion came upstairs and knew I was in pain. She laid with me, rubbed my head, and just basically stayed with me to help keep my mind off of the pain while the Tylenol worked its way through me. Here I am with a freaking toothache...and she's suffering from cancer. I am truly humbled by her in most every day.

So, it's my birthday today. My Birthdays have stopped really meaning much by the time I turned 30 or so. I don't know. It just seems there is less and less to celebrate each year. Maybe that's the pessimist in me. But, it just seems odd to celebrate the day you were born. I really didn't have much to do with it.

I don't want to sound like I don't appreciate life. I do. In so many ways I appreciate the small things that most people are too busy to notice. I live my life in a series of small moments...the morning dew, the almost too blue sky, the laugh of a lover.

I do have a birthday wish...for Marion to be cured. I want the cancer to go away as if it was never there. She's doing so well now, and I think she will for the duration. She's a soldier, and she can win this.

Another week just like the past...

I sit here about six or so hours away from Marion embarking on her first treatments. My head kind of spins when I think about how time, fate, and a propensity for seemingly bad luck has drawn us to this point.

This all started over an abnormal period. That's all it was. Marion was bleeding much too long for it to be called a "normal" period. When she started passing golf ball sized clots, that's when we figured we should figure out what was going on. I remember that trip to the ER with her very vividly. We were asked numerous times why we hadn't come earlier (she had been bleeding "abnormally" for about a month). We answered modestly and honestly that we didn't have insurance coverage and were worried about how to pay the hospital bill.

That kind of irritates me because living in the USA we shouldn't have to worry about that. But, ever since Nixon announced HMOs all those years ago, health care increasingly became more about profits, who can afford it...who can live and, frankly, who can die.

I noticed earlier this week that Republicans are stepping up their war against the poor/middle class by trying to cut funding to Planned Parenthood. This is after they have tried to redefine rape and all various different types of things that make my head spin. Here's a link to look at in your spare time if you're so inclined.


I think back to when Marion was initially diagnosed and I remember hearing the news and after the sadness, shock, and terror faded away, I was left thinking, "How in the hell are we going to pay for this?" I had no idea where to look or what sources were available. It's kind of funny to think Marion makes too much for Medicaid, but she did by about 2 or 3 thousand dollars annually. I remember frantically looking at website after website looking for some way to fund her treatments...hell, at that point just to fund further diagnostics so we could just stage the cancer.

I got lucky and found the Breast and Cervical Cancer Act of 2000. It funds the NJCEED program here in NJ, and as a result I found a way to get Marion the Medicaid coverage she needed.

But, I think back to that first diagnosis...that doctor we never saw before in his neatly pressed lab jacket saying she had cancer. He gave us a phone number to call and that was it. Later that night, at home, I went on a cancer support website and asked a few people if the hospital helps out in finding funding or if you have to come up with a way to do it. I was told in no uncertain terms...you're on your own.

We weren't on our own once we found NJCEED as they have done everything and more. I couldn't be happier that there is a governmental body our there actually helping people get into treatment. Without the NJCEED program...I really don't know where we'd be.

So, it's been four months since this whole thing started. An routine ER trip to be told not to worry...Marion's going through menopause...and here's some hormones to help out. Initially, honestly, that's all I thought this was. The "change of life". I had no idea just how much this would in fact change.

As I sit on the cusp of these treatments, I don't know how I feel. Marion has gotten a bit worse, I guess. She was nauseous today. She's been feeling kind of run down lately. I still think that had a lot to do with the pelvic exam last Monday...but, I don't have a MD, remember? I don't know if I should be hopeful...because I know these treatments are going to be pretty extreme. 5 days a week of radiation with a chemotherapy double shot on Mondays...I don't know how she'll be feeling. I don't know if this will work at all. I honestly am numb. I don't know how to feel. Is she dying right now as I type this? I don't know.

It's hard for me to express these thoughts into vocalizations. I am hopeful the treatments will have resounding results. It's just that uncertainty that messes with me. All I can do is hope for the best no matter how cliche that sounds.

I'll close with a wish I made for my birthday. I created an online event to donate money to Stand Up 2 Cancer. I'm hoping for the modest goal of $500. Earlier this evening, someone donated $100. I don't know who it was because they donated anonymously, but wow. If you're reading this and would like to donate to a good cause, click the link.

Here's some information on what SU2C does.

ARRGH!

We started out our day going to the Women's Care Center. After a very quick wait in an unfilled waiting room, we were escorted to the back. Now, the only reason that we made this appointment in the first place was he wanted to review the results of the blood work (which were a-ok) and make sure the chemo appointment was confirmed.

After waiting about a hour, I was obviously wondering what was taking so long. The gyn oncologist has a resident under his wing, and he sent her in to do the usual horse crap series of questions. Okay, so that's done. Now, she goes of to confer with him and we're sitting there for about another half hour before she comes back and asks if they did a pelvic exam the last time. Now, she asked this while holding her chart, so maybe you want to look there for the freaking obvious answer. But, I didn't go to Med school, so I'm not the one asking the questions in this case. We say no, because the last time we were here was less than a week after the two procedures where you actually looked inside her, so a pelvic exam wasn't really needed. Nor did I think one was needed today, but remember, I didn't go to Med school.

So, she leaves again to confer with him and about another half hour later comes back and says to change because they're going to do a pelvic exam. Without getting too graphic, I don't like the idea of them poking and prodding around with the instrument they use because usually after they do that Marion bleeds heavily for a few days because the tumor really doesn't like to be messed with. But, I didn't go to Med school, so who am I?

So, the gyn oncologist makes his first appearance of the morning (quickly becoming afternoon by this point), and proceeds to use the instrument to have a look (at what?) and guess what? Marion starts bleeding a gusher. Now that the tumor's been agitated, who knows if we'll have to make a frantic trip to the hospital because she's bleeding heavily. I feel so much better that he gives me an after hours number to reach him by...

So, then he asked us when the chemo is starting. Dude, we can't make that appointment...that's kind of what you're supposed to do. We told him the radiation starts today, and that he needed to set up the chemo because the Infusion Dept. doesn't allow the patient to set it up, only the doctor can do that. But, seriously, shouldn't you know this?

So, he makes a quick two minute call to Infusion and sets up an appointment for NEXT week. Well, the radiation and chemo needs to be concurrent for the effectiveness...but, that won't be a problem, right?

Finally, we get to leave our cell and go to the radiation dept. to start the treatments. Well, nope, we have to wait until the chemo starts, so sorry, you'll have to wait.

It's been a long day. I'm tired, and I just want these treatments to start. But, I didn't go to Med school.

"Tide goes in, tide goes out. There's no miscommunication."

Maybe life should be as simplistic for me as it is for Bill O'Reilly. It's such a child like innocence of the world and how the it works. I think O'Reilly is just enjoying his extra five or so minutes in the spotlight as Glen Beck has been sucking away most of his ratings for the past year or so.



Anyway, things around here have been kind of quiet. That's a pretty good thing. Marion called it her week off from the Doctors. I think we both kind of needed that. For the past month Marion has been subjected to multiple pelvic exams, batteries of tests, emotional stress, Social Security interviews, and more.

This coming week will be back into the grind as she gets a MRI done followed by some blood work. Then, she gets an X-ray (I think). She wraps up next week with an appointment with her gy oncologist so he can set up the chemotherapy to run concurrent with the radiation. Her radiation starts on the 21st. It will be a 5 day a week, 5 week regimen.

I just don't have the words to express how I feel. Words fail me at this juncture. I've been through all the "Why me?" phase. I've bargained with God. I tried not to accept this; I'd rather deny this than accept it. But, the harsh reality is it has happened to Marion. Nothing I do will change that. Whether I accept it or cry or get angry with whoever, the fact remains that Marion has cancer. The cold reality is that life has changed, not for the better, but it changed.

I'd like to go back in time, but that's just a dreamer's prayer. I wish I had done things differently ever once in a while. But, really, what's the point in reminiscing on times that have passed through the etches of time?

Probably the biggest thing that bothers me is that I took Marion for granted most of our 15 years together. I think most couples do take their partners for granted when we should cherish them and all that they do. It's just that you never expect life to just kick you in the balls, and then kick you while you wince in pain. I never thought that I would be going through this in my 30's. It just seems so unfair, but there's so many other people out there that for through this...they may be younger or older. I know that this journey is not an unique one. It's a story that many people have either witnessed, been through, or have heard. But, it's unique to me. It's sadly my story no matter how much I don't want it to be. I've accepted that much no matter how much I'd rather live in ignorance and personal deceit.

I just wish life was as simple as the mantra of "tide goes in, tide goes out."

Meeting the Radiation Oncologist

Marion was originally scheduled for the Radiation Consultation on February 2nd. On Wednesday, the office called up and said they had an appointment available for Thursday. We jumped on the opportunity to move this appointment up by about a week and get closer to eventual treatment.

The oncologist did a full exam which always makes me uncomfortable because it's usually after such a full exam that Marion starts bleeding again. I don't know why he has to fool around with the tumor and use the tools and what not when he has literally pages upon pages of reports, slides, and film. As part of the simulation process to mark the tumor, he'll be using either a MRI or CT scan. So, it's beyond me why he felt the need to dive in and take a look around when the bleeding can start anytime and she's already anemic from the loss of blood she's suffered from already.

Besides the exam, the Doctor (whose name escapes me) was generally a nice guy and seemed overwhelmingly concerned with Marion's care. He didn't talk down to either of us, and made sure we understood the process before us. He explained some of the side effects after the exam...most of which I had no idea of. Due to their graphic and disturbing nature, I won't go into them here, but suffice it to say even with the possible side effects, the good outweighs the bad.

The next step is the simulation which as I said is the process of marking the tumor out precisely so nearby healthy tissue is not damaged by the radiation process. Radiation is somewhat dangerous, but it's unfortunately a necessary evil.

Once we got home, Marion's spirits dropped a bit. I think it's all catching up with her. I think she's been in a haze just going to a from all the appointments and that it's now just sinking in. It kills me because I can look at it clinically, and I try to let her know that this is a really aggressive plan and that her Doctors are really attempting to cure her. But, it's those lingering doubts that screw around with you. There's so much that's unknown. We're not sure how her body will react to the treatments and things like that. It's just a trial and error type of thing and it's that uncertainty that plays to your fears. I really think she'll do okay...

So, we stand one step closer to the treatments. We stand on the verge of hope.

Treatment plans, Social Security, and musings on a long day.

Yesterday my Dad, Marion, and I went to another consultation for Marion. Basically, Dr. Christie (the main oncologist) was explaining the results to Marion to make sure she understood exactly what is going on. I'm pretty sure Dr. Christie is confident I know what's happening, but he wants to make sure Marion has a handle on it.

She does have a pretty good idea because I research things, tell her, and we discuss them. I know Marion's a lot more scared than she lets on, but I think I ease some of the burden for her. At this point, I'm making all the appointments, doing a lot of the leg work end of it. When we were at the Social Security office, she called me her Personal Assistant, and I think the title is quite fitting considering where we are at this point. When I think of all the appointments, names, plans, etc., it does get a bit overwhelming to bear. And, that's with two of us working on it. I could just imagine if one person worked on this alone.

So, after discussing the staging (Stage III B), he dropped a bit of a bomb that her lymph nodes lit up on the PET Scan, and they were a bit concerned with that. Why he didn't tell me earlier, I don't know, but I was hoping that the lymph nodes were untouched. Basically, once the nodes get infected (if that's the proper word), then it becomes more difficult to treat and easier for the cancer to spread by way of the blood. While it hasn't spread yet, the chances are greater it will later on...which I am really upset about.

However, the treatment plan that Dr. Christie has devised is an aggressive plan to cure the cancer and not control it. My biggest worry thus far was if they were just going to attempt to control it to prolong life. I wouldn't have been too happy about that. But, he assured me that it can be cured within this stage and that a concurrent radiation (external) and cisplatin based chemotherapy would be the best way to do so. The chemotherapy weakens the cancer cells allowing them to react better to the radiation. The radiation then kills the cells. After a brief break period, they will use internal radiation ( called Brachytherapy). It's a lot to wrap your head around, and there's lots of calls to make...and it makes your head spin.

Also, yesterday, we went to SS to drop off a medical release form. I thought we would just sign the form and be on our way, but since she's Stage III cancer they wanted to expedite the process and get her a SSI and Disability application in. They pretty much streamlined the process and made one trip the only trip we'd need to make.

So, it was a long, long day sitting and waiting most of the time and then having a huge amount of information thrown at you all at once when you're awakened from your slumber. There's so much going on, and more coming. But, Marion and I are going through this together, like we always have.

Stage III B

So, we have a stage after weeks of messing around. Now, we have something solid to look at and plan for. How do I and Marion feel about this diagnosis?

It's like I said when describing the diagnosis with her parents. It's a mixed bag, really. It could have been worse...meaning it could have spread and been Stage IV which is so bad that Stage IVB is considered incurable. They can still fight Stage IVA, but it seems that it's more of too little, too late in the realm of things. So, Marion is at Stage III B. I knew from discussions with her oncologist that it was advanced and that the outlook for diagnosis was not all that appealing. But, what does Stage III B mean exactly?

Well, clinically speaking the extension of tumor is to the pelvic wall and/or hydronephrosis or nonfunctioning kidney. While the oncologist is a bit concerned with the Marion's kidney flow (he classified it as "minimal"), it is not at the point of hydronephoris (which causes atrophy of the kidney) or nonfunctioning. It was staged at III B due to the tumor extending to the wall of the pelvis.

The picture above kind of shows what's going on with Marion. While not completely accurate (as the tumor has not blocked the urethra), it's a pretty good representation of what exactly is going on.

The treatment plan will seemingly be chemotherapy (Cisplatin based if she responds well to it) and concurrent chemotherapy. The survival rate goes up with concurrent treatment such as this. I've read the 5 year survival rates, and I know she has a huge battle to undertake. I know she has a 25-35% chance to be alive in 5 years. But, I don't look at it like this is a death sentence. From the very 1st thought I've had when I was thinking that this was cancer, I never looked at it as a battle that couldn't be won. I have always looked at this as something that Marion can beat, and I still feel that way even after being told it was Stage IIIB.

More importantly, Marion feels this way too. She looks at this as a challenge she can win. And, while I am trying to be optimistic about all this, there are doubts that linger. There is an overwhelming sadness that consumes me every once in a while like a whisper in the wind. The best defense against a battle with cancer is seemingly the mind, and a strong one at that. While Marion is far from a quantum physicist, she is a determined and strong willed person. I believe that this is something we can battle together. There is a reason we're together. It's to face things like this and make sure we're well. She's my home, and the reason I've ever tried to do anything in my adult life. I will be there for her, and attempt with all my might and will to be her rock. I know this journey that has been placed in front of us is neither fair nor within the scope of our plans or whatever.

But, this is what life has become. I might not like it, and I think it really sucks, but this is the road in front of us...a perilous road filled with sickness, pain, yet eventually recovery and health.

Back to the ER

Marion, myself, and my Dad went to the ER again because Marion was bleeding. It wasn't really heavy, but since last time she needed two units, we didn't want to take the risk again. Her hemoglobin count was fine, so she was discharged and everything is okay for the time being.

It's stressful and heart aching at this stage because we're unsure of the stage and treatment plans. Once treatments are started, we're told that the bleeding will cease. Hopefully, that's the case. Marion's doing well and resting currently.

She has the staging procedure tomorrow---and with that all completed we'll know more than what we do now. There's still a lot of procedural work to be done like filing for disability, getting transportation situated, and all that sort of stuff. At least the Medicaid is all set up, and getting her into Cooper Hospital's system was a fairly straightforward process.

I'm still hopeful that she's a lower advanced stage (I think IIB from what I can figure), but as I stated, we'll know more tomorrow. Hope is all I can hold onto at this point.

Centralia, PA. The Town That Was

I'm taking a break from writing about Marion's condition as really at this point she's just been getting various testing done in an effort to stage the cancer. She had her Pre-Op blood work done yesterday along with a chest X ray. Monday she had a PET/CT scan done. She'll be going into Cooper on Tuesday to get a cystoscopy and proctosigmoidoscopy done. It's a hour procedure that will take about 5 hours overall from pre-op to recovery and discharge. It's a fairly straightforward procedure, and she should do well. Her EKG came back fine. After these tests are done, we can finally come up with a treatment plan that will most likely be a Cisplatin based chemotherapy with concurrent radiation treatment. It will be pretty intensive.

Moving along, the title of the post is "Centralia, PA: The Town That Was". I wanted to pass along a few links about a fascination of mine. I first heard of Centralia from my cousin Johnny on some innocuous facebook posting about 2 years ago now. Since then, I researched the town and its history. At its core, the story of Centralia is a look into what can happen when government doesn't act quick enough and allows suffering in the wake of its slow moving policies.

The story of Centralia starts in 1962 when the annual Labor Day fire was done in the local fire pit. Trouble was the shaft led to a whole lot of anthracite coal long buried underground. This local tradition ignited a fire and unleashed a Hell that still burns today. For years, Centralia was pretty much left alone until more and more people were affected either by dropping unconscious due to the high levels of C0 or almost falling down sinkholes that were caused by the fire burning underneath.

The people were told they could stay by then Gov. Dick Thornberg. Pennsylvania later reconsidered and called in eminent domain, condemned the remaining towns, and are currently in the process of wiping the existence of Centralia of the map. People that still live there believes there is more to the story, such as rights to the mounds of coal that still lie below the ground. Pennsylvania's stance is that it's a dangerous place that can not be inhabited by human life. The few remaining residents (the population was over 1600 in the 80's down to 5 or so now) say it's safe and want to be allowed to stay. They are currently appealing the eminent domain claim and just want to be allowed to stay.

With that backstory, my friend Anthony, Marion, myself, and Faresh went to Centralia this past summer to have a look ourselves. What struck me when we entered the town was that it's not so much a ghost town as it is just an open expansive field with a few remaining buildings left. It seems that when PA demolishes the buildings, they backfill it so there really isn't much that you can tell there used to be a dwelling there. What's kind of spooky is the town's three cemeteries are still there and maintained. An eerie church overlooks you from afar. And, the town's municipal building survives with an American flag still flying proudly over a town that no longer exists for all purposes.

There's an overwhelming sadness that overcomes you as you walk down an abandoned Interstate (I-61) that used to serve as the town's main artery until the fire caused the street to be impassable in the early 80's. When you look at pictures from the 50's, 60's, even the 80's what's left there now and what was there just makes you shake your head. Centralia was the proverbial small American town and is perhaps a metaphor for what has happened to those small town ideals where you could sleep with your doors unlocked and walk in confidence without fear of being attacked by nameless assailants.

I posted a Video on YouTube with the pictures from our trip.


There's also a great documentary about the town called "The Town That Was" available for viewing on hulu.


Sadly, since the filming of the documentary, John Lokitis has been forcibly removed from his grandfather's house and relocated to a nearby town. The house was demolished within a week or so after he left. When we were there, there was maybe five houses left, one of which isn't actually within Centralia's borders.

Centralia is just a sad document to how government can fail its people.

One down, a few more to go.

Marion got the PET scan done yesterday and now her procedure where they look at her bladder and other organs while she's under twilight sedation.

As you can see in the diagram above, there's a lot of other organs around the cervix. The procedure being done on the 18th will go in with a scope and check out these areas to make sure the cancer hasn't spread. I don't think it has metastasized because the symptoms of the cancer spreading doesn't match up with the symptoms (or lack of) that Marion's having.

Today, Marion's getting her Pre-Op blood work done.

As far as what I'm doing, I'm still looking around and trying to figure out the best way I can help out is. I've said before I want something positive to come out of all this, and the most positive thing I can think of is raising awareness to both HPV (the virus that causes over 90% of cervical cancer cases) and cervical cancer. How I go about raising awareness is the thing I'm looking into. Surely, this blog is one way, but it's a small voice in the vacuum known as the internet. I want to get out in the community (by which I mean South Jersey as a whole) and raise awareness of the NJ CEED program and getting regular Pap smears.

It's just something I feel strongly about now, but I'm uncertain of how to get this message out there. I know enough people (bands, small time wrestling promoters, etc.) that I could easily do a fundraiser for cervical cancer research. But, I want the overall awareness to be raised, not just on one night, but overall. Going about this is where I am now. In the coming days I'm sure I'll come up with something.

Awareness is key.

PET Scan

Later on today, Marion will have her first in a series of tests to determine the stage the cancer is in. Up 1st is the PET scan which will render a 3D image of her pelvic region.

I don't have to much more to say. I've been pretty bummed lately, and Marion and I have been discussing issues that a couple never really wants to discuss at all. I think it helps talking about things...the cancer and all. Her mindset is strong, and so far is determined. She's hopeful that she can beat this thing, and I am too. Of all the various survivor stories I've read, the 1st thing people always mention is a positive fighter attitude. Most people will easily say that having the proper mindset is the most important element in combating cancer.

And, I have to agree. If the shoe was on the other foot, I would have just been destroyed. Marion, though, is determined to do all she can do.

Taking it day by day...

Well, just a few updates for today.

Marion received her Medicaid number today, and she'll be able to use that for her treatments, testing, and primary care as well. It was quite a relief to get the news so quickly (four days is really quick when dealing with governmental benefits).

She was also scheduled for her first series of tests to determine the stage of the cancer. Her first test will be a PET scan on Monday at a Cooper Hospital facility in Voorhees. The following day, she needs to get her pre-op blood work done in Camden. This will include a CBC, urine sample, and chest x ray. Then, on the 18th, she'll have a couple procedures done at Cooper. The first is a cystoscopy. The second is a proctosigmoidoscopy, I think. I'm not too clear on the second test, but they'll be completed both on the 18th. I'll clarify with the doctors and update this.

Other than that, there's not too much to report. Marion is doing very well, and as I've said before, she continues to amaze me with how she's taking this. She's has a very positive mindset, and I honestly believe that is helpful to the cause.

Like I said, not much to report.

From a friend.

The video I'm passing on is from a friend. It's posted on my facebook account as well. But, some of the readers of this blog aren't on my facebook, and the message in this video is something that touched me.



A bit about the poet seen above. She may have "lost" (whatever that means) her battle, but in her last performance, she really puts it all in perspective. Life does change forever once you hear that diagnosis. It changes (obviously) for the person that it's directed to as well as the people that love them. Link to her obit.

What I want most is something meaningful to happen from all this. Whether that's through fundraising for cancer research organizations or getting the word out about the NJ CEED program (which I am so thankful for); I want to do something. I'm working on that. I feel that could be the project I have been looking for.

Health Care in the Modern World and other dreams...

As I sit here and just think about things, I just always thought things would be better than how they turned out for me. This isn't just about Marion's condition. I just thought there was more to life than *this*. I'm really an optimist at heart and have always followed what I felt were my dreams. When I was 25, I went back to college to follow a dream. While that three year experiment could have went so much better, I am glad I did it (and honestly am a better person for doing all of it).

It's just I always thought that hard work and dedication would be rewarded. I realize now that a lot of luck goes into that as well. You need a break or two along the way and I have never had especially good luck. But, that's the way life goes.

Anyway, I was also thinking about the state in this country about health care. Being in a situation where you don't have insurance and you have a really high cost disease like cancer makes you feel helpless. But, why, when you live in a country as great as America does something like that happen? I mean, countries like Canada, Great Britain, and France, the people don't have to worry about these things. Health care is accepted as being the cornerstone of a great country. Why the hell in America do we have people that don't get preventative care, or worse don't seek out a doctor when they need to see one?

When this whole thing with Marion started, we didn't want to go to the hospital because of the cost of seeing a doctor. What kind of world is that? What kind of thinking pattern is it where you would risk your health because of the costs associated with this very basic need? At the time of her first ER trip, Marion had abnormal bleeding for about two months. It wasn't heavy bleeding as of yet, but it was still a concern. When it became heavy bleeding, that's when we *had* to go to the hospital. Still, why did we wait? Because of the immense cost associated with stepping foot into the health care system.

It was actually a question that was asked of us more than once. During the admission process at the first ER trip, Marion was asked why she didn't get this checked out before. I looked at this guy and said, "Because we don't have insurance, and coming here is really expensive." She was asked that question a few more times, and the response I gave was the same as before.

HMOs were one of Nixon's greatest legacies. He signed into law the HMO Act of 1973 that required employers to offer HMOs if they 25 or more employees. Yet, the main reason they were created was to make Health Care in America more of a cash cow as it already was. It was created for the money to roll in, and for the rich to get richer.

Maybe I just don't fathom the costs of health care. But, when I look at the bills, does it really cost 500 or so dollars to read a Cat Scan? Does it cost twenty dollars for a Percocet? Does a trip to the ER (not including the associated Doctor cost) really cost 1700 dollars? I mean, seriously? Why are these costs so inflated? Maybe it has something to do with the doctors trying to pay back 8 years worth of student loans? Or, maybe it has something to do with inflated operating costs? I really can't say as I'm not an economist; I'm just a guy who wants Marion to be okay.

Which brings me to the fact that I feel while the health care reform that went through last year was a step in the right direction, it still didn't address the real issue of having universal health care for everyone. I'm not taking away from the sweeping changes in the system at all. Health care has been an issue for Presidents since FDR, and Obama finally got something started. Well, he got things more than started. But, there is still work to do for sure. People shouldn't neglect their health when faced with the high costs. When you're sick, you should seek out help and be given treatments, medicine, etc. I don't get how people can have any type of stance against health care.

Anyway, at this point we're just waiting back on a few things. Marion should be fully covered by Medicade by the end of the week. On the horizon are some tests that need to be done so we can come up with a treatment plan. I'm thankful for finding the NJ CEEDS program. I'm thankful things are moving along. I just wish that health care in the best country in the world was something that everyone really had access to.

The News

I've been sitting here looking at this blank screen for what seems hours. I just can't wrap my head around things. Since Marion was diagnosed, this cancer is all I can really think about. I've been reading up on it, looking at some ghastly pictures of it, trying to find out how to get medical coverage for it. I'm just trying to cope with it the best way I know how and that is to put my every effort into actively learning about it.

Maybe I shouldn't. Maybe I should just trust what I hear from the doctors, oncologists, and social workers that have all paraded in front of me in what seems like a psychedelic blur. Perhaps I should have blind optimism in the face of seemingly insurmountable odds.

Maybe I should just admit I'm scared and horribly petrified. I can wear this mask well, and act a clown, but all I want to do is cry nearly all day. I mean, I was getting better before today, but the hopes of a New Year dawning have been replaced with the overshadowing doubts of tomorrow.

We had an appointment today to meet Marion's primary oncologist. He was blunt (which I appreciated) and courteous. It's no longer a question of surgery to take care of the tumor, but a radiation and chemotherapy plan which I dreaded hearing (because upon hearing that I knew we were talking at least Stage IIB or IIIA or B cancer). I asked him how large the tumor was...and with the help of a vaginal model he indicated it incorporated the entire cervix. It's pressing onward, and he wasn't sure if it has metastasized to any other areas. He set us up with further testing to be completed soon.

I'm not sure how well I can hold up. I'm trying to stay positive, and Marion is so positive when faced with this it makes me wonder how I would be holding up with this type of diagnosis. She has that rare quality of hearing horrible things and just taking the punches as they come. She has a unique quality (perhaps naively) that everything will work out for the best. I just don't know. If the cancer has metastasized...I can't even finish that sentence. I don't even want to think about it. But, it's all I can think about whether consciously or unconsciously it is all that I DO think about. And, I can't stop. Whether it's thinking about Medicade or thinking about filing for disability or thinking about the side effects from her treatments or whatever...it consumes my every thought process. I try to relax and play a video game or watch TV, but it's all in a haze or some type of perpetual blur. People talk to me and I can't really concentrate on what they're telling me. I'm preoccupied with this horrible disease and I hate it and wish I could just go back to being a jaded son of a gun without any real worries. Now, I walk through the shadow of the valley of death, but I do fear the future.

I hope for the best, but absolutely am fearful of the worst.
And, that makes me sad. So sad.